


Knocking on Heaven's Door

by sir_kingsley



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Getting Back Together, Lovers To Enemies, M/M, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Post-Break Up, Professor Castiel (Supernatural), deancastropefest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 12:17:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18810751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sir_kingsley/pseuds/sir_kingsley
Summary: Dean Winchester left Castiel Novak in pieces when he broke off their engagement 21 days before they were supposed to get married. Now, a year later, Castiel has put himself back together and is moving on with his life and he seems to be doing okay. Until Dean comes knocking on his door at ass-o'clock in the morning. Now Cas must come to terms with the mess of a man who broke his heart but somehow still... has it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A work for the Deancas Tropefest 2019. Thank you so much to Muse and Jojo for organizing this challenge and inviting me to participate. 
> 
> Thank you to [dmsilvisart](https://dmsilvisart.tumblr.com/)  
> on Tumblr for her wonderful art! It was an honor to work with you. 
> 
> And a shoutout to [wanderingcas](https://wanderingcas.tumblr.com/)  
>  for beta reading this for me. I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

Furious knocking at the door at three in the morning isn’t something one experiences often. Definitely not Castiel Novak. Which is why he startled himself right out of his bed when the obnoxious banging finally broke through his dreams.

Castiel climbed off the floor with a sore hip and a racing heart and stumbled out of his bedroom. The knocking was getting more ferocious, and as he tripped over the living room carpet, he heard a deep voice join the melee.

“I’m coming!” he shouted as his hand finally landed on the door. “Hold on!” he shouted again as the knocking shook the door while he fumbled with the locks. “I’m unlocking it!” Cas finally got the lock and wrenched the door open. “What’s going—Dean?”

To say he was shocked would be an understatement, but Cas didn’t have the time to process his surprise because he was soon supporting a very heavy and pliant Dean Winchester.

“Heya, Casssss,” Dean slurred into Cas’s neck.

The amount of alcohol that wafted from Dean’s mouth made Cas catch his breath. “Dean, wh-what are you doing? What are you doing here?” Cas asked, trying to get a better hold around Dean’s waist.

“Jus thought I’d givya visit.”

“At three in the morning?”

Dean laughed. “’s that what time it is? Shiiiiit, feels like…” He didn’t tell Cas what time it felt like. Instead, Dean slowly straightened and pushed his way past inside the apartment.

Cas closed the door and turned to watch Dean wobble into the living room, Cas’s mouth still open in a small “o.” His mind was blanking, overflooded with too many questions, the strongest being, what the hell is happening?

Dean was inspecting the couch with pursed lips. He laid a hand on the back of it and rubbed his palm across the smooth leather. His odd expression made Cas tilt his head. “Dean?”

Dean jolted from his inner thoughts and spun to face Cas, a lazy smile breaking across his face. “So howya doin’ man?”

“I’m fine,” Cas said, inching forward. “Dean, what are you doing here?”

“Told ya. Wan’ed ta see ya,” Dean said. He began wondering around the apartment again.

“You’re drunk.”

Dean snorted as he played with Cas’s DVD collection. “Nothin’ gets pas’ you, Cas.”

“Why are you drunk?”

Dean stopped messing around long enough to roll his eyes at Cas. “’s kinda what alcoholics do.”

That simple response had the power to turn Cas’ shock to irritation. “I know that very well, thank you. But what are you—No, don’t touch that!”

Dean was poking at a bee figurine on Cas’s entertainment center. At Cas’s shout, he jerked away, his hand knocking a picture frame to the floor. 

“Sorry.”

Cas’s nostrils flared. Dean saw it and chuckled to himself. “You did—you did the thing… with the nostrils. Always did tha when y’er mad. Always s’cute.”

Ignoring him, Cas grabbed Dean’s arm and led him to the couch. “Sit,” he ordered with a gentle shove. “You need to drink some water. Wait right here.”

Cas paused to pick up the picture frame on his way to the kitchen. He didn’t dare look at the image inside it.

“’m fiiiiiine, Cas. Really,” Dean assured him. “No’ tha drunk a’tall.”

Cas returned with a glass of water, not acknowledging Dean’s lies. “Drink this,” he commanded and sat on the opposite end of the couch.

“’m not-”

“Drink,” Cas snapped.

Dean rolled his eyes—well, tried to—and lifted the glass to his lips. He was sloppy and quite a bit dripped down his chin but he got the whole glass down. Cas took the glass before Dean did something stupid with it.

“You lie back and I’m going to call Sam, okay?”

“What? No! Don’ call Sammy.” Dean yawned,his body digging deeper into the couch. “He’ll jus yell at me.”

“Well, someone needs to take you home and take care of you because you’re clearly not in the mind to do it.”

Dean’s eyes opened and for a brief moment they were crystal clear. His smile was gone. He turned his face toward the blank television. “I am home.”

Dean had always had a habit of making Cas think he was having a heart attack. There were things he did or said that would make Cas’s heart flutter like the wings of a hummingbird until he was sure it would break from his chest. Or sometimes Cas felt like his heart stopped altogether. This time it felt like Cas’s heart was choking, so he mirrored Dean and looked away.

“Dean…”

“Please, Cas.” Dean’s voice was a whisper but loud with sincerity and pleading. “Jus one nigh’. Please.”

The sad part was that Cas didn’t even want to say no, though he knew he should. He should be furious with Dean, not taking care of him. He should punch him, not get him a glass of water. He should have slammed the damn door instead of letting the man inside.

“Okay,” Cas found himself saying. “Let’s get you to bed.”

It was a struggle, but together they trudged their way to the bedroom. Dean collapsed on the mattress and sighed blissfully as Cas caught his own breath. 

“Missed this,” Dean murmured, his eyes falling shut.

“Can you undress yourself?” Cas asked.

“Mmmhmmmm.” Dean fought to sit up and attempted to shrug out of his jacket. Instead, all he did was somehow get it twisted behind his back.

Rolling his eyes, Cas stepped forward. “Let me.”

Cas began with Dean’s boots, tugging them off his feet. He knelt on the bed to untangle Dean’s hands from his jacket and then helped Dean out of his overshirt. “Lie back,” Cas ordered and Dean obeyed, sighing again as his shoulders hit the mattress.

Cas’s fingers touched Dean’s belt and the man giggled.

“Don’ be gettin’ any funny ideas, Cas.”

Cas shot him a cold look. “Shut up. Lift your hips.”

“Now, that’s somethin’ I miss hearin’.”

Cas was careful not to touch Dean’s skin as he slipped the jeans over his hips and down his legs. He’d be lying if he said the temptation wasn’t there or that seeing Dean sprawled out on their – _his_ – bed didn’t stir familiar feelings in his chest.

“Can you get under the covers?” he asked as he folded Dean’s jeans.

“Nope.”

Once again, Cas was supporting all of Dean’s weight as he pulled the man closer to the headboard. He wiggled him around until he could get the blanket over Dean’s body.

“I’m going to go get you a—”

“Do you miss me, Cas?”

“What?”

Dean opened his eyes. “Do you miss me?”

Cas’s brain was spinning with several answers and thousands of words he wanted to scream at Dean. He steeled himself and answered with a calm, “No.” A dull ache bloomed in Cas’s chest.

Dean’s face split into a grin. “You’re lyin’. Y’er always an awful liar. Tell the truth. You miss me.”

Cas’s eyes locked onto Dean’s and the other man’s smile wilted a few degrees. “Does it really matter, Dean?”

Dean gave a little shrug and looked away. “Guess not.”

Cas went to fetch a trash can from the bathroom. He got a second glass of water and some Tylenol and put them on the bedside table.

“There’s a trash can right here if you get sick,” Cas said. “Here’s some water. When you wake up take two Tylenol. I’ll be in the living room if you need anything, okay?”

There was no response so Cas turned to leave.

He only got a few steps when he heard, “Ya nev’r asked me how I was doin’.”

Cas turned and saw Dean’s eyes on him. “What?”

“Ya nev’r asked me how I was doin’. “’s rude,” he said with all the righteousness a drunk man could muster.

Cas sighed, no idea what Dean’s point was but too tired to argue. “How are you doing, Dean?”

Dean’s expression changed and his lips quirked into another grin. It was a grin Cas had once become bitter friends with, a grin he had grown used to because it was the best thing he was ever going to get. It was a grin with far too much effort and swelling with a hollow happiness that was like a slap to the face.

“Good, ‘m good.”

“Now who’s lying?”

Dean’s expression was far away, something Cas couldn’t touch even if they were nose to nose. Dean quirked an eyebrow with a huff of laughter at the familiar words. “Does it really matter?” he mocked.

“Yes.”

Cas’s answer was instant and Dean’s eyes snapped to Cas’s and they held each other’s gazes for a long moment, lost together in that endless void they had found within one another.

But where he used to feel like he was flying, now Cas felt like he was drowning. So he blinked.

Dean turned his gaze to the ceiling and Cas backed his way to the door. He placed his hand on the doorknob and was about to close it when a final thought threatened to suffocate him if he didn’t say it.

“Your happiness has always meant the world to me, Dean. Even more than my own.”


	2. Chapter 2

The scent of eggs and bacon tickled Dean’s nose. His stomach lurched. He groaned, long and miserable, into the pillow.

The pillow that smelt of… cinnamon and lemongrass.

_Cinnamon and lemongrass._

Castiel.

Dean’s eyes popped open. A familiar painting of an angel with a broken halo wished him good morning with a grim expression. Frowning, Dean peeled his face from the pillow to look around his surroundings.

He took in the dark navy comforter covering his body, remembered the way the silky texture used to cling to sweat-covered skin. He saw the dark dresser across from the bed, recognized the broken handle on the bottom right drawer. He looked at the bedside table next to him. The same old, dusty alarm clock he had spent many mornings ignoring blinked at him. His hand could practically feel the texture of the watch sitting next to the clock, remembering all the times his fingers wrapped around it, slid it off of a thin wrist only to pamper the sensitive skin with sweet kisses.

He was in their bed.

He was in their room.

He was home.

_Shit._

Dean ran a frustrated hand through his hair. What the fuck had he done? What the fuck was he supposed to do now? He could hear Cas clambering around in the kitchen and it was making his stomach lurch – or maybe that was the alcohol.

Was Cas mad? What would he say? What should _Dean_ say?

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

Dean spent another ten minutes cursing himself. He just needed to get up and get it over with. The longer he spent sitting in bed freaking out, the more likely he was going to vomit and Cas definitely wouldn’t appreciate that.

With wobbly legs and a twisted stomach, Dean rolled out of the bed and journeyed to the kitchen.

But all of Dean’s worry melted into irritation when he rounded the corner into the kitchen and saw the back of a tall man with shoulder-length brown hair at the stove.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Dean grouched.

“Good morning to you, too,” Sam replied dryly, spinning around to dish eggs onto the plates he had set on the counter. 

Dean ignored his brother and lowered himself onto a stool, running a hand down his face. “What are you doing here?” he asked again, more tired and annoyed this time.

“I could ask you the same question,” Sam returned, and Dean could hear the bite in his voice, the judgement and looming scolding.

“I got drunk last night.” Dean shrugged. “Needed a place to go.”

“So you went to Cas’s?”

“Why not?”

Sam slammed a fist on the counter, rattling the dishes and Dean’s brain. “Because you two aren’t together anymore, Dean!” Sam yelled.

“Dude! Stop yelling!” Dean barked, one hand pressed to the side of his head. “Hangover!”

“You had no right to come barging in here,” Sam ranted on with the same amount of fury but his volume much softer. “You can’t just go out and make an ass of yourself and then come running to Cas when you need someone to take care of you. You don’t get to do that anymore. And that’s on you..”

Dean was holding his head in his hands as Sam chastised him. “Why are you so mad about this?” he wondered. “It doesn’t really concern you.”

Sam’s eyes sparked with anger. “It doesn’t concern me? Cas is one of my best friends. And you hurt him.”

“Yeah, well, I’m your brother. Whose side are you on?”

“Side? Really, Dean?” Sam huffed a sarcastic bit of laughter and turned to fetch the bacon from its pan on the stove. He shuffled a few pieces onto each plate. “This isn’t about sides, Dean. This isn’t a game. This is Cas’s life. And you chose not to be part of it. So you don’t get to just come randomly stumbling back in whenever you want. Especially considering the way you chose to leave.”

Dean flinched. Sam filled a mug with coffee and pushed it and the plate of food toward Dean. “Sammy, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. I just…” He sighed and licked his lips. “I don’t know.”

Sam was quiet for a moment, his fingers drumming on the marble surface of the counter. “I… I know this hasn’t been easy on you either—”

“I’m fine, Sam.”

“It’s okay to feel bad about this, Dean. It’s okay to regret it or feel guilty-”

“You know what, Sam?” Dean interrupted. He lifted his head. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

Sam snorted. “Of course you don’t.” He picked up his fork and began poking at his eggs with a little more force than necessary.

Dean gathered the mug of coffee into his hands and took a long whiff. He didn’t know if the churning in his stomach was good or bad. There was a question burning his tongue and he tried hard to suppress it by taking a gulp of the coffee.

“Where is Cas, anyway?” he blurted after swallowing. He cursed himself.

“Work,” Sam answered. “He called me around seven to come get you.”

Dean pursed his lips and watched the dark liquid slosh around in the mug. “How did he look?”

“Exhausted.”

Dean ducked his head. “Did he say anything?”

Sam didn’t answer right away. Dean looked up at his gigantic baby brother who was staring into space.

“Sam?”

Sam’s eyes snapped to Dean’s. “Yeah. He, um, he said that while you’re here, you can get the last box of your stuff. It’s in the hall closet.”

Dean bowed his head again, his mouth suddenly tainted by a bitter taste.

Sam coughed. “I’m gonna go clean up the bedroom. You know how Cas likes to run a clean ship.”

“I can do it,” Dean offered, about to stand.

Sam held up a hand. “I think it’s best that I do it.” Dean sat heavily back on the stool. “Just eat your breakfast.”

But Dean couldn’t eat. He couldn’t even look at it. He got up and tossed the food in the trash can, then washed up the dishes real fast.

He turned from the sink and stared across the expanse of the living room. A strange force pulled him over and he found himself skimming the contents of the entertainment center. He glanced over the movie collection, smirking at the ridiculous amount of nature documentaries. Cas loved those.

A cute bee figurine caught his attention and he poked it, grinning as the memory of Cas discovering a beehive on one of their dates in the park unfurled itself in his brain. He’d nearly had to knock the damn thing down to get the blue-eyed man to pay a lick of attention to him. Dean had never liked sharing.

The picture frame next to the figurine came into Dean’s focus next and it made his heart stop. He ignored the tremble in his hands as he picked it up.

It was a photo of them, him and Cas. They were dancing, two hands interlocked in front of them while Dean’s free arm held Cas’s waist and Cas’s free hand rested on Dean’s shoulder. Cas had his head tilted back, his mouth opened wide in a gummy smile as he laughed. Dean was just watching him, the most blissful expression on his face.

A streak of white drew Dean’s attention to where Cas’s hand held his own and he saw the glint of gold on one of Cas’s fingers.

That made him put the picture back on the shelf.

“You okay?”

Dean turned and saw Sam staring at him with sad eyes.

Dean had a million ways to answer that question but would only allow himself one. “Yeah. Just let me get my clothes and we can get going.”

When Dean came out of the bathroom two minutes later fully dressed, Sam was standing next to the counter, tapping something into his phone. There was a cardboard box sitting next to him on the counter with a single word scrawled in lovely handwriting on one side: Dean.

Dean coughed. “Ready?”

Sam put his phone away and swept the box into his arms. Dean walked out first. He didn’t flinch when he heard the door slam shut.  
*****

Castiel didn’t handle stress well. Never had. He got all clammy, his heart beat painfully against his chest, he couldn’t form a coherent thought and he became irrationally reclusive.

His coping mechanism was to just keep himself busy. Growing up that had meant cleaning profusely, which probably explained his obsession with cleanliness as an adult. But when he was at work that meant reading and even re-reading student papers.

Castiel buried himself under dozens of religious studies theses, calming himself with familiar theories and using a red pen to take out his wrath on every grammatical mistake he could get his hands on.

He was attacking a rather redundant paper comparing Islam to Christianity when it was suddenly ripped from his hands. Cas yelped and looked up.

“Islam versus Christianity, huh?” a tired British voice mocked. “How original.”

“Good afternoon, Balthazar,” Castiel greeted.

“Afternoon?” Balthazar’s eyebrows shot to his hairline. “I knew you were feeling off today but I didn’t think you had completely checked out. It’s nearly seven.”

Cas looked at his watch. He felt faint surprise. “I guess the day got away from me.”

“Yes, because it’s so easy to get carried away by the thoughtful words and theories of drunk and exhausted college students pretending to care about the creation of the universe. My goodness, did this person really call ‘Allah’ ‘Allen?’”

“They’re not that bad, Balthazar,” Cas defended.

“Don’t try to change the subject, Castiel. What’s bothering you? Did you find out you have to teach an all-freshmen class next year? Bad credit score? Did you have one of those weird dreams where you stab your father with a sword because that doesn’t necessarily mean what everyone would have you believe.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “No, I- It was a… a nightmare.”

Cas had woken on the couch disoriented. He went to his bedroom to get ready for work and had nearly screamed at the sleeping form in his bed.

The events of the early morning fiasco had come rushing back and he’d been trapped for several minutes, just staring at Dean’s sleeping face – the way he had done hundreds of times before. But where it used to fill him with affection, he found himself panicking in the middle of his bedroom.

So he called Sam.

Sam had been pissed to hear what his brother had done and promised to be right over.

Cas had gotten ready as quiet as possible. He was drinking a much-needed cup of coffee when Sam knocked on the door. The giant man’s eyes had been so sad and pitiful when Cas let him inside. Cas had lost track of the number of times Sam apologized.

In some ways, seeing Sam was almost more painful than seeing Dean. Sam had been like a brother to him, a great and wonderful friend. And now Cas couldn’t look at him without feeling what his brother had done. Dean had walked out of Cas’s life and, as a result, had dragged Sam out of the door with him.

Cas had left with instructions for Dean to fetch the last box of his things from the hall closet. It had been there for months, but Cas never had to strength to contact either Winchester about it. So it collected dust.

“Earth to Castiel? Are you still there?”

Cas stirred. “Hmm? Oh, sorry, Balthazar. Just… distracted. Everything’s okay,” he assured his friend. “Things will be back to normal tonight.”

Of course, they weren’t.

Cas got home and he felt numb crossing the threshold. The racket of last night echoed in his head and for the first time in months, the apartment felt empty. Lonely. Strange.

Cas dropped his computer case on the counter. He saw the dishes by the sink and bit his lip. Dean had washed them. He could tell by the way the plates laid flat on the dishtowel – it had been one of his more bearable annoying habits.

Cas put them away.

Next, Cas explored the bathroom. He could see the spots where water droplets had been left to dry on the counter. Dean had never been one to wipe it down after washing his face or brushing his teeth. Another tolerable bad habit.

Cas dampened a washcloth and wiped the surface clean.

The bedroom was an entirely different battlefield. The water and Tylenol had been removed from the bedside table. The trash can no longer waited by the head of the bed. The bed was made, the comforter pulled tight and wrinkle free, the pillows fluffed and arranged perfectly along the headboard.

Sam had straightened it up.

Cas stood in the center of the room, lost and not knowing what to do for several minutes.

Then he took a breath. “Just do what you would normally do,” he told himself.

So Cas changed into his pajamas. He heated up some leftovers in the microwave and entertained himself with a show on National Geographic. He graded some papers, checked his itinerary for tomorrow. He brushed his teeth.

He did not sleep in the bed that night.


	3. Chapter 3

Despite an ache in his neck, Cas was feeling better the next day.

It was Friday, so he only had one lecture. He got through it smoothly, walking the students through their next big assignment and answering any questions. Back in his office, he finished grading the rest of the papers.

There was a knock at his doora little past 1:00 as he was finishing. Cas looked up and a small gasp escaped him when he saw Sam Winchester, of all people.

“Hey, Cas,” the younger Winchester greeted with a sheepish smile.

“Hello, Sam,” Cas returned, the words slow to leave his mouth. “Umm, come, uh, please come in.”

Sam ducked inside and took the seat Cas gestured to in front of his desk.

“To what do I owe this visit?” Cas asked, removing his glasses to rub his tired eyes.

“I wanted to return this to you.” Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out the emergency key to Cas’s apartment that Cas had given him yesterday.

“Oh. Thank you.” Cas reached out and took it. “So everything went… smoothly?”

Sam huffed a short laugh. “You could say that. I’m so sorry, Cas. I never thought he would pull something like that. You should have called me right away.”

Cas just pressed his lips together. “It’s fine, Sam. I’m just glad Dean is okay.”

Sam held Cas’s gaze and Cas had no doubt the younger man was calling out his lie. Because none of this was fine.

Sam leaned forward. “Dean isn’t okay.”

Cas swallowed. “What do you mean?”

“C’mon, Cas. You guys split like, what? A year ago? And he gets plastered and comes to your place? That isn’t normal. Not even for Dean.”

“I agree that is was unusual behavior, but perhaps it was all just a matter of circumstances. Dean was at a bar close to my apartment, he needed help so he came to the closest… acquaintance.” Cas almost bit himself on the word.

Sam shook his head. “Dean wasn’t anywhere close to your apartment, Cas.”

Cas pauses. “What?”

“I found the Impala at some dive all the way across town. He didn’t come to you for convenience, Cas. He just came to you. And he’s been acting weird lately, aside from last night. He’s distant. He’ll go weeks without calling. He’s drinking more and more. He’s been skipping work. He looks skinnier. I don’t know what’s happening.”

Regardless of how he wanted to feel, Cas’s heart swelled with concern for Dean. But he was still lost, even afraid, as to what Sam’s point was. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Sam sighed and shoved a hand through his hair. “I don’t know, Cas. I just… I guess I was just thinking that… maybe—maybe if you tried talking to—”

“I can’t,” Cas interrupted, his voice slightly louder than he intended. He took a breath. “I can’t, Sam. Your brother made it very clear that he… that he never wanted to see me again. And aside from what happened last night, I will… honor his wish.”

“He was lying. C’mon, Cas, you know that. Dean always lies when he’s hurt.”

“And everything else he did?” Cas couldn’t control the crack that weakened his voice.

Sam bowed his head. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

Cas nodded. “It’s okay, Sam. You’re just worried about your brother. It’s fine. But I can’t help you.”

“I understand.” He looked at his watch and flashed a grim smile. “I better get back over to the law school. I’m helping with a lecture in twenty minutes.”

“It was good seeing you, Sam,” Cas said, staring at the pencil on his desk. “Thank you for the key.”

“Of course. Good luck with all those papers.” Sam got to the door and paused. “Hey, Cas?”

Cas looked up again. “Yes?”

“Look… I know that with everything that happened with you and Dean… I get it if it’s weird but I… I could still use a friend.”

Cas’s lips curved into what was probably the first genuine smile he’d had in days. “Me too.”

With a nod, Sam was gone.

*****

Dean slammed the hood of the car down and wiped a hand across his brow. He reached over to the bench for his beer and took a long swallow.

His body was still recuperating from the other night. It felt like he had run a marathon instead of practically drinking an entire bar. And his mind… Well, that had been messed up long before then. But now he had images of Cas rotating in his head 24/7 and it was damn annoying.

Because seeing Cas made Dean think of home and family. It made him remember the days of long movie marathons and kisses that tasted like beer and popcorn, mornings that smelled of blueberry pancakes and arms wrapping around his waist, nights cocooned in blue sheets with wandering fingers and breathy promises.

And remembering all of that made Dean feel like shit.

So he grabbed another beer.

“Winchester,” a gruff voice barked.

Dean spun and lifted his beer in salute as his boss stomped toward him. “Hey there, Bobby.”

Bobby glowered from under the rim of his trucker cap. He eyed Dean’s beer. “How many is that today for you?”

Dean shrugged. “I don’t know. Last one in my cooler.”

“You know I don’t have a problem with a beer or two but you can’t be drinking twelve packs on the job. You’re gonna get yourself hurt.”

“Oh, c’mon, Bobby. I’ve been able to handle a twelve pack since I was fifteen. You know that. Hell, you helped me.”

“You weren’t on my payroll back then. What’s been going on with you, boy?”

Dean shrugged and took another swig. “Nothin’.”

“Nothin’ my ass. You just go around moping all day. Haven’t seen you take a lunch break in days. Ellen hasn’t seen you at the Roadhouse in over two weeks. She’s worried about you.”

“Well, tell her not to be. I’m fine, Bobby.”

“Mmmhmm. Get out of here. Go home and get yourself somethin’ to eat.”

“Yes, sir,” Dean said with another bottle salute.

“And give me that,” Bobby said, snatching the beer from Dean’s hand.

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Wanna do a full field sobriety test on me?”

“Don’t think I won't. Now go. And go see Ellen so she’ll stop yappin’ at me!”

Dean hated his apartment. He hated where it was located. He hated how small it was and how big it seemed. He hated how quiet it was and how it smelled more of motor oil than cinnamon and lemongrass.

Dean jumped in the shower first. He stepped out still feeling dirty.

His stomach rumbled and he dug through the fridge. He found some leftover pasta that didn’t look too threatening to his life so he threw it in the microwave. He went to grab a fork and his eyes fell on the box sitting in one chair in the living room. He still hadn’t gone through it.

Honestly, he was scared to.

It had been a year since Dean had moved out of Cas’s place. If he had forgotten something it was nothing he missed too dearly because he had gotten through the year just fine without it.

But the more Dean stared at the box, the more he wanted to know, the more he wanted to see and touch the things he had forgotten in his haste to get out.

Dean bit his lip.

_Fuck._

He grabbed the box and threw it on the counter. Without hesitating, he ripped through the tape and opened it.

There wasn’t much in there. It was mostly clothes, things that had probably gotten mixed into Cas’s wardrobe from years of doing laundry together. He pulled out a blue flannel. He used to love seeing Cas wear it because it brought out his eyes. And there was just something about seeing the person you love in your clothes. Something almost primal that always sent Dean chasing after Cas to pin him down somewhere.

The microwave signaled that Dean’s pasta was ready, but he ignored it and continued rifling through the box instead.

There were a few old band T-shirts, even a couple pairs of boxers. There was a tattered copy of “Slaughterhouse Five” that made Dean yelp because he actually had missed that. His box collection of “The Three Stooges”, a few CDs of folk music that he used to hide in Cas’s half of the CD rack.

Dean actually giggled to himself when he dug out the football he bought to teach Cas how to throw. That had been a disastrous experiment, almost ending with Cas in a cast. Dean had carried him home and catered to Cas’s beck and call as payback for almost injuring him. It had actually turned out to be a pretty fun day, ending with a particularly long and thorough body massage.

Dean moved another T-shirt and he yanked his hand back as if shocked when he saw what hid beneath it.

Oh, God, it couldn’t be.

But it was. Dean would never forget that little box that had burned holes in his pockets for weeks.

Dean picked it up and moved to sit on the couch. His fingers were quivering as they rubbed against the soft velvet.

This was it.

This was the end game.

Dean opened the box.

The gold band blinked at him, as shiny as the day he bought it. Cas had always taken great care of it. He had treasured it. He had treasured Dean.

And Dean had thrown him away.

He did the same with the ring, throwing the box across the room.

The microwave was blinking, still waiting for Dean to take his dinner.

Dean reached for the whiskey bottle instead, not even bothering with a glass.


	4. Chapter 4

On Sundays, Cas had lunch with his sister. Anna always insisted on a weekly meeting, claiming that otherwise she would never see Cas. Sometimes their other siblings would join them, but mostly it was just the two of them.

Cas had come to rely to the outings. He didn’t go out much, so lunch with Anna was the social highlight of his week and he knew that he needed it. Especially this week.

Unfortunately, Anna had always been rather good at reading Cas and she saw through his false cheerfulness before they even hugged.

“What’s wrong?” she demanded as they sat.

“Nothing is wrong,” Cas assured her, picking up his menu. “But how are you, Anna?”

“Don’t lie to me, Castiel. I’m your sister.”

“That doesn’t entitle you to know every detail about my life. Have you ever had their cobb salad here? Is it—?”

“You’re changing the subject.”

“Yes, I am.”

Anna folded her arms over her chest. Cas sighed and lowered his menu. “Anna, I love you, I do. But I can’t do this right now. Please. I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t.”

Anna lowered her arms. She squinted her eyes, studying him closely. Cas tried to ignore it by looking at the menu again. He really didn’t want a salad today. Maybe a burger or something with—

“It’s Dean.”

Cas didn’t answer her. Soup? They had a great chicken tortilla soup here that he hadn’t tried in a while.

“Cas.”

Or maybe the fettuccini—

“Castiel.”

No, alfredo always made his stomach hurt. Chicken parmesan—

“Cassie.” A gentle hand touched his and forced the menu down.

Cas blinked at his sister with tears in his eyes. Her smile was small and sympathetic as she laced their fingers together. “How about something homemade?”

That’s how they found themselves in Anna’s kitchen, bowls of their father’s chili in front of them.

Anna was kind enough to wait until Cas had eaten to ask the question.

“What happened?”

Anna was quiet, her face unreadable as Cas told her about Dean coming to his apartment, what Sam had told him about Dean’s odd behavior lately.

“So… Dean isn’t eating, he’s skipping work, avoiding friends and family and his drinking has increased. Then he gets super wasted and travels all the way across town to see you,” Anna summarized.

Cas nodded. “I don’t know what to do, Anna. I shouldn’t _want_ to do anything. I know that. He… he left me. And the things he said, the way he acted, the—the…” Cas couldn’t even get his brain to process the words because he knew it would tip him over the edge. And he had spent a year trying to get away from the edge.

Anna took his hand again, squeezing it. “I know, Cas. I know. What he put you through was awful and there is no reason that you should feel an ounce of sympathy for him.” Anna tilted her head. “But I don’t think this is an issue of what you should feel or should do, but rather what you do feel and what you want to do. You’re worried about him, Cas. Because you still love him—Don’t try to deny it,” she said when Cas opened his mouth. “I’m not judging you for it. And it doesn’t make you weak. It makes you, you. You have always loved at a deeper level than most people. You have always cared too much. That’s just who you are.”

Castiel was taking deep breaths to keep from crying. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

Anna smiled sweetly. “I’m saying that maybe you should talk to him.”

“B-but how can you say that?” Cas asked, so surprised he almost sounded offended. “He—he’s awful! And you hate him! I hate him!.”

“But you don’t, Cas. And it’s time to stop pretending. It’s been a year. You owe it to yourself to be honest. You might be furious and disappointed with him, and maybe you do hate him. But you love him and you’re worried about him. So talk to him. For yourself. You never got the closure you needed from the split. Maybe this is your chance. It could be beneficial to the both of you. And if the asshole says something dumb, you punch him the face.”

Cas laughed despite his watering eyes. “Why is this happening?”

“I don’t know. It’s just the way the world works.”

“It’s a shit system.”

Anna chuckled. “That it is, indeed.”

*****

“Dean? Dean, are you home?” Sam pounded on the door again and waited for an answer. Still nothing.

The stubborn bastard had to be home. The Impala was parked out front and it’s not like Dean was into jogging.

Sam contemplated. Dean hadn’t answered any of his calls or texts since Thursday. No one had heard from him all day Saturday. He hadn’t shown up at work and that’s when Bobby called Sam. Now it was Sunday and still nothing.

Sam thought that warranted an emergency. He fumbled through his keys to find the extra he had to Dean’s apartment.

Sam’s nose instantly wrinkled when he walked inside. It smelled like stale garbage and booze. Every surface was littered with bottles and cans. Sam caught sight of three empty fifths of whisky and his eyes rounded. “Dean?” he called into the apartment. “Are you here? Did you die?” he grumbled under his breath, toeing a mound of clothes out of his way.

With careful steps, Sam made his way through the living room and toward Dean’s room. He stopped to knock briefly on the door. When there was no reply, he twisted the knob.

Dean was sprawled across the bed on his stomach, eerily still. Sam lunged forward, fingers going to his brother’s throat to find a pulse. “Dean, Dean, wake up! Come on, Dean, wake up!” He found a pulse but it was weak. Sam reached up and slapped Dean’s cheek. “Don’t do this. Come on, you idiot!”

He began performing CPR. Dean’s body bounced pliantly with each compression. Sam bent to breathe air into his brother, then went back to compressions. “Come on, Dean,” he grunted. “Wake. Up. Wake. Up.”

Sam bent to give him two more breaths when Dean jumped to life. He coughed violently and Sam helped flip him onto his side. Dean lurched forward just in time to vomit over the edge of the bed.

“Oh my god, Dean!” Sam tried to help him back to his side. Dean’s eyes were cloudy and unfocused as he looked at Sam’s face. “Are you okay? Hold on, I’m calling an ambulance.” Sam pulled his phone out of his pocket only to have Dean slap it away.

“’m fine,” Dean grumbled. “Jus fine.” He took a deep breath. “Ne’er mix Bacardi with tequila.”

“Are you really making a joke right now?” Sam asked, fingers itching to strangle his brother. “I thought you were dead! What the fuck were you thinking?”

“Tha I’d get drunk.” Dean pursed his lips and looked around. “Wha day is it?”

“Sunday.”

“Oh shi’. Missed work. Bobby’s gonna be pissed.”

“Bobby’s fine. He was just worried about you.”

“Well, you tell ‘em I’m good. Nothin’ to worry ‘bout.”

Sam shot Dean a dirty look. “There’s plenty to worry about, Dean. When’s the last time you showered?

Dean tried to shrug but there was more chin than shoulder in the motion.

“God, Dean. What’s happening to you?”

Dean didn’t try to respond at all.

“Okay, first thing’s first, let’s get you cleaned up. You need a shower.”

Unfortunately, Dean wasn’t able to stand so it turned into a bath. And with as much water as Sam got on himself getting Dean into the tub, it basically turned into a bath for two. When Sam was sure Dean wasn’t at risk of drowning, he left Dean to marinate while he straightened the apartment up.

He cleaned up the fresh vomit, tossed load of laundry into the washer, collected all of the empty bottles and cans.

Dean was just staring into space when Sam returned to get him out. He carried Dean back to his room and helped him dress, then placed him out on the couch.

“You need to eat something,” Sam said while nosing around the kitchen.

“Not hungry,” Dean grumbled.

“I didn’t ask if you were hungry. I said you need to eat something. Ah-ha!” He found a package of crackers and took them to his brother. “I doubt you’ll be able to handle more than that for right now and I don’t feel like cleaning up any more puke.”

Dean grimaced but accepted a cracker. “Thanks.” He nibbled on an edge.

“What’s going on, Dean?”

“Nothin’ much.”

“Stop joking around,” Sam snapped. “You could have killed yourself. Dammit, Dean, I want to know what is with this sudden bout of self-destruction! What’s going on?”

Dean took a moment before shrugging. “I fucked up.”

“That’s a hell of an understatement, Dean. I’ve never seen you that drunk. I really thought you—”

“No, no, no,” Dean interrupted. “I wasn’t talking about the drinking. I meant Cas.” His shoulders draw up with a rough breath. “I fucked up with Cas.”

Sam was stunned. He had been begging for an explanation and he had always known it was related to Cas, but honestly, Sam never expected Dean to admit it. Dean was great at a lot of things but admitting his feelings wasn’t one of them. He would lie to you even if he knew that you knew he was lying.

“Another understatement,” Sam murmured.

Dean snorted. “Yeah… You know that it was a year on Thursday?”

“What was a year?”

“Since I left him.” Dean tilted his head against the couch, staring at the ceiling as if it was a starry night sky. “April 23. And you know what next month will be?”

Sam didn’t answer, didn’t dare to. But it seemed Dean didn’t need a response from him when he continued.

“It was supposed to be our one-year anniversary. Cas already had our vacation planned and everything. He wanted to go to India. Was always talking about how romantic it was, how amazing the weather would be and how much fun we would have getting to know the culture. All a lie. He actually wanted to visit some ancient temple. Saw it on his computer.” Dean snorted and closed his eyes. “Cas doesn’t even like Indian food.”

Sam wasn’t sure what to say. So many comforting words and phrases were swirling around his head but nothing seemed to fit.

“I should be married,” Dean said, though it sounded more meant for himself. He turned his head to look at Sam. “I actually wanted to get married sooner, ya know? We originally planned the wedding for March, but Cas couldn’t take the time off to get married and go on a honeymoon while writing his dissertation. It was too much. He was going to get his degree and then a week later we were supposed to tie the knot. Spend the summer together, travelling the world as Mr. and Dr. Winchester,” Dean was talking with a note of dreaming in his voice. “Then we’d come back and Cas would start his job at the university, I’d go back to the shop. Get a house. We’d been looking. It was going to be perfect.” Dean turned his face to the ceiling again. “Instead, I dumped him twenty-one days before our wedding.”

The words dropped like a wall between them, Dean absolutely disgusted with himself on his side and Sam lost as to how to pull his brother out of the hole he had dug himself into.

So they sat in silence for several minutes.

Sam was struck by the amount of guilt and wistfulness in Dean’s voice as he discussed his and Cas’s life. He was struck by the fact that Dean was discussing it at all. After leaving Cas, Dean had completely blocked the man from his life. For months, you weren’t even allowed to say Cas’s name around Dean. He’d refused to come within a five-mile radius of the university and the north side of town where Cas now lived alone in their apartment was practically labeled a toxic wasteland.

Those first few months had been some of the scariest of Sam’s life. He had never seen Dean so destroyed. And the worst part, for Sam, was having no way to fix it because Dean had been the one to set the detonator off on himself.

They were bitter months, full of drinking and fighting. Dean would disappear for days at a time, wouldn’t talk to anyone for weeks. Didn’t eat. It was a lot like now, except angrier. It had been hard to get Dean out of bar without him throwing a few punches and receiving some in turn. He’d even punched Sam a few times for trying to help him.

Now, he was just… broken.

“You know, Dean,” Sam began carefully, “you never explained why you left him. I’ve never understood why you decided to split.”

“Why else?” Dean laughed bitterly. “Because I’m a dumbass.”

“No, seriously, Dean. Talk to me. What happened?”

Dean seemed to contemplate, pursing his lips in careful consideration of his next words. Then, he just closed his eyes again. “I listened to the wrong voices.”

Sam had no clue what that meant but he also knew Dean to enough to know that was all he was going to get on the subject. For now.

“Hey, Sammy?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I come stay at your place for a few days? I don’t… I don’t think I should be alone.”

Sam smiled and patted his brother’s knee. “Yeah, Dean. Of course.”


	5. Chapter 5

Cas’s anxiety eased as the week passed by and the scent of Dean fled his apartment. By Tuesday night he was able to sleep in his own bed again. It hadn’t been quite as comfortable as he remembered.

Now Cas just needed to focus on work. The school year was ending. Next week was finals week. He had study guides to prepare, exams to create, a final paper to nag his advanced classes about. There was no time to worry about the past.

But Cas was drawn back into it on Wednesday when he received a text from Sam.

Me and Charlie are grabbing lunch. Want to come?

Cas set his phone down. His instant reaction was to create an excuse because that’s what he had done those first few weeks after Dean had left. Seeing and thinking of Sam had just been too painful, too close to Dean and yet not nearly enough.

But Sam had stood in his office not even a week ago and asked to be friends again. And Cas would be lying if he said he didn’t want that too.

He thought about his conversation with Anna, about doing what he wanted to do instead of what he thought he should do.

Just tell me where, Cas replied.

“Is that a smile I detect?” Balthazar teased as Cas stepped out of his office.

“I’ve been known to produce a few every now and then,” Cas returned.

“Yes, very few. So what’s the special occasion?”

“I’m going to lunch with a friend.”

Balthazar wiggled his eyebrows. “Oh, a special friend?”

Cas laughed the implication away. “In a way. It’s Sam Winchester.”

Balthazar’s eyebrows froze high on his forehead. “Really?”

“Yes. I should only be gone about an hour.”

“Very well. Tell Sasquatch I said hello.”

It was about a fifteen-minute walk to the deli Sam had texted Cas to come to. Cas stepped inside and glanced around, searching for a familiar red head and an absurdly broad pair of shoulders.

“Cas!”

Cas followed the squeak of his name, spinning and finding a pale hand waving madly in the air. Grinning fondly, Cas made his way to the table.

“Oh my god, Cas, it’s so good to see you!” the tiny red-haired woman squealed as she rose to hug him.

Cas returned the embrace. “Hello, Charlie.”

“Still as formal and polite as ever, I see.”

“Hello, Sam.”

Sam smiled at him as Cas took his seat next to Charlie. “Hey, Cas. How are you?”

“I’m well. I’ve been preparing the exams for next week.”

There were two empathetic groans as a waitress set three glasses of water in front of them. “Yeah, I’ve been working with Dr. Turner to get the exams for his law classes ready,” Sam said. “There’s only so many questions you can ask about torts before you want to blow your own brains out. I feel bad for these kids but Turner won’t budge. Stubborn old grouch.”

“Yeah, well, try sifting through hours of coding and grading half-assed Wordpress sites,” Charlie grumbled. “Why did I even become an informatics professor? I hated college. I hated taking these classes. Now, I run them. I’ve become the enemy. How twisted is that?”

“But at least it’s almost over,” Sam said. “You guys will be one year closer to tenure and I’ll finally have my masters.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Charlie said, lifting her glass.

The waitress came to take their orders. Cas chuckled at the disgusted face Charlie made when Sam ordered his salad with the dressing on the side.

God, he had missed this.

“So what are your plans for the summer, Cas?” Charlie wondered. “Did you get stuck with summer classes this year?”

“Umm, I’m actually going to India.”

Sam coughed into his water. 

“You okay?” Charlie asked.

Sam nodded as he fought to take a breath. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. So, ugh, India, huh? What takes you there?”

Cas looked down at the table. “It’s mostly for work. There’s this temple in western India that I’ve always wanted to see. I-I’ve been planning this trip for a while.”

“Ohhhhhh, that sounds fun,” Charlie gushed. “I’ve never been to India. Always wanted to go explore the wonders of Bollywood.”

“What are you doing this summer, Charlie?”

“Me? Probably do some freelance corporate work. And Dorothy and I have to start getting the guest bedroom ready and childproofing the whole house so I imagine that will take some time.”

Cas tilted his head. “Childproofing?”

“Hmm? Yeah, we gotta make—Oh.” The excited expression of Charlie’s face softened into one that was half affection, half pity. “I-I guess we never got to tell you. Dorothy is pregnant. She’s due in June.”

Cas felt choked. He leaned in to wrap Charlie in another hug. “Oh, Charlie, I’m so happy for you. Congratulations.”

“Thanks, Cas. I’ve never been this excited about anything in my life. But I’m also so nervous, you know?” Charlie beamed up at him. “I just never saw myself as mother material. But in one month… It’s insane.”

Their food arrived and the three of them dug in.

“So Sam, what are your plans?” Cas eventually got around to asking.

“For the summer? I actually have a job lined up at the D.A.’s office so I’ll be starting a few weeks after school ends.”

“That’s amazing,” Cas praised. “I’m proud of you.”

Sam smiled meekly. “Thanks, Cas. Of course, that is all depending on whether or not I get through these next two weeks of school.”

“Just wait till this weekend,” Charlie said with a wink. “That will get all the stress out of you.”

“What’s this weekend?” Cas asked, confused.

Charlie jumped. “Oh my god, Cas! You should come! Saturday is Sam’s birthday and we’re having a party.”

Cas smiled grimly and lifted his sandwich. “I’m not sure that would be for the best.”

“Why not?”

Cas swallowed. “Because Sam has a very loving older brother who I can only assume would also be in attendance.”

The table got quiet.

“Well, yeah, but you don’t, like, have to talk to Dean,” Charlie said. “There will be a lot of people there so you might not even see him! And everyone would just love to see you! Come on, Cas, please?”

“It would be great if you came, Cas,” Sam agreed. “Ellen, Bobby and Jo would love to see you. And it would mean a lot to me. Just think about it.”

Cas didn’t want to say anything definite, so he just nodded. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”

Right then, Sam’s phone rang and he lifted it to his ear. “Hello? Wait, Bobby, hold on—he did what?” Sam cried, sitting up so hard he made the table shake. He began fishing his wallet out of his pocket. “Are you sure? Yeah,, I’m on my way. Thanks, Bobby.”

“What’s wrong?” Cas asked.

“It’s Dean,” Sam said, slapping some cash on the table. “He got in an accident at work.”

Cas’s chest tightened. “Is he okay?”

“He is for now,” Sam growled. “Charlie, could you give me a ride?”

“Yep!” Charlie said, jumping up and putting down some money of her own. “Avengers assemble! It was good seeing you, Cas!” She pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“I’ll see you later, Cas!” Sam called as the two of them ran off.

“Yes, I’ll see—” Cas began when he noticed Sam’s jacket still hanging on the back of his chair. “Oh, wait, Sam—”

“Don’t forget about Saturday, okay?” Sam yelled back to him. “It’s at Ellen’s, we’ll see you there.!”

Cas leaned back against his chair, heart racing. He ignored the glares of the disturbed customers around him. He wondered what could have happened to Dean. Was he hurt? Was he in pain? Would he be okay?

They were questions Cas couldn’t afford to worry himself with.

Cas looked down at his food. He wasn’t hungry anymore.

He laid some bills on the table as the other two had and stood, grabbing Sam’s forgotten jacket on the way out.

*****

Sixteen days.

Dean couldn’t stop keeping track even if he wanted to. Each day was like another cut, reminding him of the pain he had put himself in, reminding him of how big of an idiot he was. He had hundreds of them at this point but they still never hurt any less.

But lately, they were becoming particularly deep and seemed accompanied by the inability to breathe and moments of blacking out.

Being at Sam’s place helped because he wasn’t always alone to let the voices of guilt and misery eat at him. But they still existed. And they were getting worse.

Dean had been able to actually get out of bed and go to work today. He had taken that as a sign that maybe he was getting better and he spent the day trying to convince himself that that was exactly the case. But the number of bottles behind him told a different story, a story he refused to listen to.

Dean took a long swallow from his current bottle and wobbled over to the old junker he was working on. She was a beautiful 1965 Mustang with rusty paint and mauled upholstery. Not nearly as lovely as Dean’s Baby, but Dean saw potential in her.

He’d made her his special project a few months ago and she was a mess now, seats pulled out and engine gutted. He had it lifted a few feet away so he could mess around with other parts under the hood. It was a long and draining process but Dean knew he could do this. Fixing cars was the one thing he could do with complete confidence.

That was, until he almost dropped the engine on his head.

Bobby had come out and noticed all of the bottles on the bench and began bitching. Dean had tried to wave him off and get back to work by lowering the engine back into the Mustang, but instead he had almost lowered it right onto himself.

Bobby knocked him out of the way on time. Dean hit his head pretty hard against the concrete ground, but in the scheme of things that was like being tapped by an empty water bottle.

So here he sat on the couch in Bobby’s house, freshly chastised and a bag of ice pressed to his head.

Sixteen days.

God, he was going to get himself killed.

“Dean!”

Dean sat up as Sam barged into the room, Charlie scurrying behind him. “Heya, Sammy. What’s up, Charlie?”

“What did you do?” Sam demanded. “Are you okay?”

“I kinda almost dropped an engine on my head. You know, no big deal. Happens all the time.”

“This isn’t funny, Dean.”

“Well, I’m laughing,” Dean said and forced a chuckle.

Sam gritted his teeth. “I swear, if you hadn’t almost died today, I would punch you right now.”

“I didn’t almost die, Sam. The pulley probably would have stopped short, anyway.”

“That don’t make what happened today okay,” Bobby said as he entered the room.

“Oh, god, Bobby, I’m so sorry about this,” Sam said.

“Not your fault, son. This one,” he said, waving a finger at Dean, “is losing it.”

“Hey!” Dean protested. “I’m right here!”

“Yeah, and you’re damn lucky to be!” Bobby barked. “You could have killed yourself, or someone else. I don’t know what’s bothering you and you won’t talk about it because you’re too damn stubborn but, goddammit, you’re going to get it figured out before you take one step back in here.”

Dean stood up fast and wobbled a bit. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means you’re suspended.”

“What? Bobby! You can’t do this to me!”

“The hell I can’t! I love you like a son, but you put yourself and others in danger today and I ain’t havin’ it.”

Dean looked utterly broken as he stared at the man who had so often been a father to him. He didn’t know if he was more mad at Bobby or at himself for disappointing Bobby. “Bobby… C’mon, you know me. I-I—”

“I ain’t tryin’ to punish you, Dean,” Bobby said, his tone softer. He clapped a comforting hand to Dean’s shoulder. “It might not seem like it, but I’m tryin’ to help you. You’re in a dark place right now- Stop lyin’ about it,” Bobby snapped when Dean opened his mouth. “It’s okay to be sad. But letting it eat away at you like this – it’s not healthy. So I don’t know what you need to do to fix it, but you gotta figure it out. And when you do, you can get back to work.”

Dean faintly remembered being hugged before Sam and Charlie led him out of the house. Sam took the keys to the Impala, forcing Dean into Charlie’s bright yellow contraption.

They didn’t talk on the way back to Sam’s.

Sixteen days.


	6. Chapter 6

“-vak… Professor Novak?”

Castiel jumped to attention. Dozens of eyes blinked at him in confusion. He cleared his throat. “Ugh, yes?”

“Are you okay, Professor?” Kevin Tran asked from his seat in the front row.

“Hmm? Oh, yes, yes, of course. Umm, what was the question?”

Cas fought his way back into the lecture, doing his best to answer all questions and concerns about the upcoming exam. His students deserved his absolute best and he refused to fail them. Especially with their grades at stake.

After class ended, Cas rushed to his office.

He had never heard back from Charlie or Sam. He still didn’t know what had happened to Dean and it was eating away him. He just wanted to know if he was hurt. What if they had to take him to the hospital? Would they even tell him?

Cas’s fingers had typed various messages to Sam in his phone, but he never pressed send. It’s not any of your business, he would tell himself. Sam could take care of Dean. It wasn’t Castiel’s concern.

Cas eyed the jacket resting on the corner of his desk.

_Dammit._

Cas shook the entire drive to Sam’s. What was he doing? Why didn’t he just text him? What if Sam wasn’t home? What the hell was wrong with him?

Cas parked the car outside of the apartment and took a deep breath. It was fine. He could do this. One friend dropping off another friend’s jacket. Friends did this all the time. It was the friendly thing to do. It was much more polite than having Sam come all the way to his office to fetch it. Yeah, it was polite. Right.

Cas got out of his car with the jacket in tow. He climbed the stairs to Sam’s apartment slowly, almost taking comfort in the burn they were giving his thighs. He really needed to work out more.

Apartment thirty-two. Cas stood in front of it for a few seconds, trying to absorb and call upon all the bravery and strength he could. Then he realized what an absolute idiot he was being, because this was Sam for God’s sake and the worst thing that could happen was Sam not being home and Cas would just text him about the jacket like a normal person.

_Jesus Christ, Novak, get a grip,_ Cas snapped at himself.

He knocked.

All the strength Cas had mustered turned to dread when the door opened and a groggy pair of green eyes widened in alert.

“Cas?”

Every instinct in Cas’s body told him to run, but his brainwaves apparently weren’t on the same page as his nerves because Cas couldn’t move.

He was just frozen there.

“Cas?” Dean asked again, his clear surprise beginning to ease. “Umm, are you—are you okay?”

But Cas couldn’t answer. He was struggling to even form thoughts.

Then Dean reached out a hand as if to touch him and Cas jumped to life. He took a step back and Dean immediately pulled his hand back.

“Ugh, umm, hello, Dean,” Cas murmured, turning his eyes to the ground.

“What are you doing here?” Dean asked after another quiet moment passed between them.

_Pull it together,_ Cas ordered himself. _You can act like a normal human being. Just be calm._

Cas took a deep breath and looked up. He didn’t quite meet Dean’s eyes. “I was returning this to Sam,” he said, a slight tremble in his voice as he offered the jacket to Dean.

Dean took the jacket and frowned. “Why do you have Sam’s jacket?”

“He forgot it at lunch yesterday.”

One of Dean’s eyebrows curved toward his hairline. “You had lunch with Sam?”

Cas nodded once, refusing to read into the odd tone of Dean’s voice. “And Charlie.”

“Huh. Well, I’ll let him know you brought it over. Umm, thanks… Cas.”

“Of course. Good—um, goodbye.”

Cas spun on his heel and raced for the stairs. He was almost in the clear when he heard, “Hey, Cas?”

He turned around with a tight smile on his face. “Yes?”

Dean was standing out in the middle of the hall. He was barefoot, dressed in a gray T-shirt and simple black sweatpants. Cas remembered those sweatpants. He remembered giving them to Dean as a present because Dean always complained about how cold Cas kept the apartment. 

It was odd to see Dean in this relaxed state, one that few people ever got to see him in at all. It reminded Cas of lazy days in their home when they had no reason to get dressed. Cas’s smile almost became genuine.

“I just—I just wanted to apologize. For last week,” Dean clarified. “I’m sorry for putting you out like that. And, ugh, thank you for taking care of me. You didn’t have to do that.”

Cas bobbed his head. For a moment, his heart had stopped, thinking Dean was about to apologize for something else. He hated himself for how excited he became.

“Of course, Dean. I’m just glad you’re okay.” He paused, reconsidering his next question. “And, umm, yesterday… Are you okay?”

“Huh? Yesterday? Oh, yeah!” Dean assured him with a dismissive hand. “Totally fine.”

“Good. That’s… really good. Umm, I will—I’ll… Goodbye, Dean.”

Cas was going to have to visit a heart doctor. Having it stop this often couldn’t be healthy.

*****

It took Dean’s heart about ten minutes to begin functioning after Cas left.

Cas had always been too beautiful. He had that amazing tan skin that glowed even in the middle of winter, had that permanently disheveled dark hair that invited fingers to run through it, the perfect amount of stubble shaping his jaws. Then there were those damned pink lips. Was it natural to have lips that pink? Dean remembered thinking the same question the first time they had met. He also remembered being far too eager to touch them, just as he had been ten minutes ago.

And finally, those eyes. Now, Dean knew those eyes weren’t natural. He had never seen eyes so goddamn blue. Sometimes they looked as though a piece of the sky had dropped into them and other times they gleamed with pure starlight.

Those eyes drove Dean insane.

Put it all together and you had a weapon meant to destroy Dean.

And that’s how he felt right now. Destroyed. Because he hadn’t missed the way Cas’s face fell when Dean had opened the door or the way he had frozen up. And definitely hadn’t missed the way Cas had jerked away from Dean’s hand as if it was made of lightning.

Cas was a quiet guy, but he wasn’t exactly the nervous type. There were actually very few things that got to Cas. But Dean had. Dean had seen a type of anxiety that boarded on fear in Cas’s eyes. And he had put it there.

Dean circled the kitchen, his body aching for a drink. But Sam had cleaned the place out. And Sam currently had Dean’s car so he couldn’t go on a run.

After a few more circles, Dean sat on the couch and turned on the TV. He surfed through all of the channels, finding nothing that truly interested him. He settled on some vaguely familiar medical drama and leaned back into the cushions, ordering himself not to think about Cas.

But that’s all he could think about.

Fifteen days.

In fifteen days, he should be celebrating his first year or marriage to the love of his life. Instead, he would be holed up in his little brother’s apartment, trying to find a way to occupy his time while he was cut off from work and alcohol.

He was going to die here.

Dean wondered how Cas was taking all of this. He wondered if Cas kept count. He wondered if it became a little harder to breathe as the day got closer. He wondered if Cas thought about how they should be spending these days. He wondered if Cas spent his nights swimming in whisky and dreams of what should have been. He wondered if Cas mourned what they used to have and cried or if he got angry and broke things. He wondered if Cas cursed him, blamed him for ruining their lives. He wondered if Cas hated him.

Because he had every right to.

The door opened and Sam and Jess came through with bright smiles. They saw Dean and straightened up.

“Hey, Dean,” Jess greeted. “How are you?”

“Sober,” Dean answered bitterly.

“How many days until you get one of those little chips?”

Dean chuckled despite himself and answered her with a special finger. Jess just giggled and began unloading the bags of groceries Sam had dropped on the counter.

“We got you pie,” Sam said, showing Dean the container. “Cherry. They were out of pecan.”

“Story of my life,” Dean grumbled.

He listened as the two went about sorting the groceries. Sam would ask where something went and Jess would answer, they would bump into each other and giggle, drawers and doors would open and shut, soft murmurs and the sounds of sweet kisses.

“Cas came over,” Dean said suddenly.

The sound of something falling.

“What?” they both asked.

“Cas came over,” Dean repeated, staring at the TV.

“Really?” Sam asked, far too much excitement in his voice. “What did he want?”

Dean pointed to the piece of clothing draped over the back of the couch. “Dropped off your jacket.”

Sam picked it up. “Oh, I must have left it at the-—he…”

“Yeah, I know about lunch,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. “It’s fine, Sam. You guys were friends too. I get it.”

“Did you guys… talk… about anything?” Sam wondered.

“I apologized for barging into his place last week.”

“Well, that was… nice of you.”

“Was it awkward?”

Both Winchester’s turned their attention to Jess.

“Jess,” Sam chastised.

“What?” she asked, picture of innocence. “Before last week’s drunk rendezvous, they hadn’t seen each other in a year. It had to be awkward.”

Dean sat up on the couch. “It was. I was so surprised and Cas just froze up. He almost looked… scared.”

“Well, you were the dick who broke his heart last time you were in a room together,” Jess said with as she put a loaf of bread away. “Last time before last time.”

“Jess!” Sam exclaimed again.

“What?” she challenged again. “Look, I know this is a sensitive topic, but it’s been a year. And trying to sneak around and ignore all of the shitty things Dean did isn’t going to make them go away. It happened.” Jess’s eyes flicked to Dean. “The least you can do is own up to them at this point. Both you can Cas deserve that much.”

Sam didn’t know what to say. He looked between his fiancée and his brother, but neither paid him any attention. Dean lowered himself back onto the couch, thinking over Jess’s words.

The only way Dean had survived this last year was by denying all the shitty things he had done to Cas. He didn’t want to think or remember all of the horrible things he had done and said to the man he claimed to love. The man he would deny still loving.

But they had happened. His denial didn’t change the past. And it didn’t help him or Cas get over it.

“I just hope it gets less awkward by Saturday,” Jess was saying as she finished with the groceries.

“Why? What’s happening on Saturday?” Dean asked.

Jess looked to Sam expectantly. Sam bit his lip. “I, ugh, I invited Cas to my birthday party.”


	7. Chapter 7

Cas tried to stay busy on Saturday. He woke up and decided to clean the entire apartment, sweeping and mopping all of the floors, dusting every surface, changing the air vents.

When that was done, he went on a run. His goal had been two miles but he barely made it one. He really needed to start working out more regularly.

When he got home, he showered and got ready for the day. His went grocery shopping, trying to stay in the produce aisles. He returned home to put them away then ventured back out to the mall, where he needed to get a few things for his upcoming trip.

His shopping was almost done when he walked in front of a bookstore and something caught his eye.

Sam had always wanted to be a lawyer, but he also had a secret love of mythologies. It was something that had bonded the two of them together even before Cas had met Dean.

Today was Sam’s birthday.

Cas still hadn’t decided if he was going or not. He had received several texts from Charlie over the last few days, begging, encouraging and ordering him to come. There were a few from Sam too and even Jess, who Cas had been surprised to hear from.

Cas wanted to go. He wanted to see all of them and find out how their lives had changed this last year.

But every time he got around to deciding he would go, he would think of Dean and the idea would drop. Because it wasn’t just that Cas didn’t want to see Dean. Actually, it was quite the opposite. And that scared him.

Cas bought the book.

Unfortunately, when Cas got home he had nothing else to distract himself with. He had already cleaned and he didn’t have any work to do. His exams were written, finalized. There were no essays or small assignments to grade.

He had the day to himself.

He hated it.

Cas watched a bee documentary, one he had seen many times. Eventually, he was able to fall asleep on the couch.

“Castiel! I know you’re in there, you bitter, old recluse!”

Cas jumped up, eyes wild and drool on his chin. He looked around, searching for the source of whoever was shouting his name.

“Castiel!” it came again. “Open the damn door!”

It was coming from outside. Cas’s heart seized. The last time this had happened, it had been his drunk ex.

“Cassie, don’t make me start singing!”

All of Cas’s worry rushed out of him. Rolling his eyes, he went to unlock the door.

“Cassie!” Gabriel greeted with a bright smile. “It’s about time you answered! I was beginning to think you had broken a hip or something. Might have to get you Life Alert.”

Cas followed Gabe into the apartment. “What are you doing here, Gabe?”

“I have come to escort you to the ball.” Gabe swept into a graceful bow. “Your carriage awaits, milady.”

Cas just blinked at his brother tiredly. “Gabe, what are you talking about?”

“Sammy-boy called and told me you seemed a little reluctant when he invited you to the party. So he sent me to make sure your ass got there.”

Cas’s eyebrows shot up. “You still talk to Sam?”

“Of course I do. He’s my friend. And he’s damn fine, too. You see those shoulders? Ridiculous.” Gabe sighed wistfully. “Jess is one lucky lady.”

“I don’t think I should go, Gabe. It just doesn’t seem like a good idea.”

“You mean you’re scared to see Dean,” Gabe translated.

“I’m not scared,” Cas amended weakly.

“Ugh-huh, and whose party is it?”

“Sam’s.”

“And who said they wanted you to come to the party?”

Cas bowed his head. “Sam.”

“Right you are, young Castiel! So go get your ass dressed and let’s roll. I’m gonna be pissed if we miss the cake.”

Cas did as he was told, throwing on some dark jeans and a sweater. He grabbed Sam’s present, still in the bookstore’s bag.

“I still don’t think this is a good idea,” he said as they exited the apartment.

“Yeah, yeah, cry me a river and get in the car.”

They were only a half hour late to the party. Ellen’s roadhouse was glowing and in full swing when they walked inside the front door. Cas practically glued himself to Gabe’s side as they ambled around.

When they got to the bar, Gabe shook him off. “Would you stop? People are going to think we’re together and if I leave this party alone I’m going to smash one of your bee dolls.”

Cas dropped his hold. “It’s not a doll. It’s a figurine.”

“What can I get for- Oh my god! Cas! Oh my god!”

Cas and Gabe faced the bar and a grin broke from Cas’s face when he saw the gaping face of Jo Harvelle.

“Jo!” he exclaimed.

“Oh my god,” she said again. “I can’t believe- Hold on! Stay right there!”

Jo ran to the other end of the bar. She disappeared into the crowd.

“Quite an effect you have on women,” Gabe observed.

Cas elbowed him in the ribs.

Jo sprung from a group of people and darted into Cas’s arms. She squeezed him until he felt he would suffocate. He didn’t complain.

“I can’t believe you’re here!” she shouted over the music after releasing him. “Sam said he invited you but I didn’t think you would show! God, it’s so good to see you!” She hugged him again.

“It’s good to see you too, Jo.”

“Oh, shit, Mom’s gonna flip when she catches sight of you! You’ll probably get a good smack to the head.”

Cas just continued to smile. “I look forward to it. Where is Ellen?”

“She’s in the back getting the cake and stuff ready.” Jo looked over her shoulder and made a face. “Look, I have to get back to the bar. It’s so good to see you!” She squeezed him one last time then ran to get back to work.

“Oh, and look who it is,” Gabe said when Jo was gone. “The birthday boy.”

Sam and Jess were making their way over. When Jess caught sight of Cas she ran ahead, launching herself at Cas much like Jo had.

“I can’t believe it’s you!” she cried. “Oh my gosh, I’ve missed you so much!” She pulled away long enough to press loud kisses to Cas’s cheeks. “How are you?”

“I’m well, Jess,” Cas laughed. “How are you?”

“I’m great! Sam, Sam! Look who it is!” Jess was bouncing, her hands clutching Cas’s upper arm like she was afraid he would disappear. 

Sam smiled at the two of them. He leaned down to wrap Cas in a hug. “I’m glad you could make it, man”

“Yes, well, you didn’t leave me much of a choice sending this one after me,” Cas said.

Gabe blinked innocently. “Who? Me?”

Sam laughed. “Good job, Gabe. Thanks.”

“Anything for the birthday boy,” Gabe said, then leaned forward. “Seriously: anything.” He winked.

Jess laughed and punched Gabe in the arm. “Get your own!”

“Oh, trust me, I plan to.” And with that, Gabe vanished.

Jess turned back to Cas. “So have you seen Dean yet?”

“Jess,” Sam groaned. 

“I’m just wondering.”

Cas laughed nervously through the aches Dean’s name brought to his stomach. “Ugh, no. No, I haven’t.”

“Well, good. He’s being a complete grouch tonight.” Jess rolled her eyes. “C’mon, let’s get you a drink and go mingle.”

Cas shot Sam a questioning and apologetic look. Sam just smiled and waved.

Jo served them their drinks. Jess made Cas start with a shot, insisting it would help with the nerves. Cas knew better, of course, but it was hard to refuse a tipsy Jess. So he just went with it, doing his shot and then accepting the drink Jo slid his way.

Jess took his hand and yanked him around the room. They ran into Charlie and Dorothy who Cas hugged and congratulated over the baby. They found Benny who was on the brink of blacking out and it wasn’t even midnight.

When Cas finally did come across Ellen, the older woman did indeed slap him in the head. Cas just smiled and pulled her into a hug, which she returned. She went on to chastise him about his absence and threatened him to come back soon or else next time she ran into him she wouldn’t stop at just one hit.

Bobby had an odd expression on his face while talking to Cas. It wasn’t unpleasant, so Cas didn’t know what to do with it. He just kept drinking and hugged the old man goodbye.

The party eventually quieted down when Ellen brought the cake out. They put a funny hat on Sam and sang happy birthday. Then the party returned and Jess was dragging Cas onto the dance floor where he awkwardly swayed and spun Jess, too drunk to care about how ridiculous he must have looked.

Cas wasn’t sure how long they were out there, but after a while the booze started to hit his bladder.

“Wait, wait, Cas, where are you going?” Jess whined, clutching to his hand as Cas tried to pull away.

“I-I have to go- I have to go the bathroom,” Cas giggled, yanking harder.

Jess pouted. “Okay, but come right back!”

“Yep!”

Cas waded through the crowd toward the bathroom. He broke through the door and took what felt like his first breath of air in hours. He relieved himself with a great sigh, then went to wash his hands. He splashed his face with cold water, hoping it would jolt him from the drunken stupor he was falling into. It didn’t help much.

Cas hummed to the music as he dried his face and hands. He couldn’t remember how long it had been since he’d had this much fun. Over a year ago. It was sad. He smiled to himself. He had missed this dearly.

The bathroom door opened.

Cas stopped humming.

Dean jumped with surprise. “Oh, shit, Cas!” He turned in each direction, as though looking for a magic window to jump out of.

Cas glared at him. “It’s fine. I’m leaving. The room is all yours.” He gestured gracefully with one arm and attempted to squeeze past Dean to get to the door.

Dean leaned his way with a frown on his face and looked him up and down. “Are you drunk?”

“Nope.”

A barely there grin curled the corners of Dean’s lips. “Yes you are. You’re slouching and you can barely keep your eyes open.” Dean leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’re completely blitzed, angel. That’s very uncharacteristic of you.”

Cas snorted and ignored the way Dean’s pet name made his brain go momentarily numb – well, more numb than it already was. “Yeah, well, you seem uncharacteristically sober.”

Dean shrugged. “Family cut me off. I’ve been clean since Thursday.”

“That a new world record for you?”

Dean cringed and Cas almost regretted that quip. But he stood his ground, preparing for Dean’s comeback. But Dean just nodded his head. “That’s fair. I deserved that.”

“You deserve a lot more than that,” Cas grumbled, swaying back to clutch the sink for support.

“You okay, Cas?”

And what a ridiculous question was that. He laughed loudly and cruelly, laughed until his stomach hurt and his eyes watered. Dean just watched with confusion.

“Cas?”

Cas sucked in a breath, trying to calm himself. He wiped at his eyes. “No,” he giggled.

“No, what?”

“No, I’m not okay,” he snapped, all traces of laughter suddenly gone. “I’m fucking pissed. I’m fucking furious with you and I would really like to punch you in the face right now but that would be very rude.”

“You want to punch me?”

“You think you don’t deserve it?” Cas challenged.

Dean put his hands up. “No, no, I’m not saying that. I’m just surprised. I’ve never seen you so aggressive.”

“Yeah, well I don’t usually run into men who broke off our engagement a month before our wedding in bathrooms when I’m drunk, so there’s a first time for everything.”

The words sat between them, seeming to take up all the space in the room, and neither of them spoke for a long while. 

Dean’s eyes saddened. “Cas…”

“Oh, save it, Dean,” Cas cut him off. “I don’t want to hear your bullshit right now. I won’t remember it anyway. Can I leave, please?” Cas gestured at the door.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.” Dean stepped aside. “You sure you don’t need help?”

Cas snorted. “You’re the last person I need help from.”

Cas squeezed out of the door and stumbled into the crowd. With a little bumping and a few shoves, he made his way to Jess who was dancing with a friend.

“Cas!” she cheered upon his return. “You’re back!”

“I’m back!” he agreed.

“I’m getting tired!”

“Then let’s sit!”

Together, they found a booth and fell into it. Jess giggled on her side, panting heavily. Cas was distantly processing what had just happened with Dean, but the entire exchange was already slipping away from him.

“You know what, Cas?” Jess asked, leaning over the table toward him.

“What?”

“I really missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“And I was so mad at Dean for what he did to you. Like, so mad. I wouldn’t talk to him for weeks. And when I first saw him afterward, I slapped him. Like, slapped him across the face. Because you’re so nice, Cas. You didn’t deserve that. You’re the nicest person I know. And what he did was- it was- it was just so mean!”

Cas nodded through Jess’s little rant. “It was. But it’s okay, Jess. I’m okay. Everything is going to be okay.”

Jess reached over to take Cas’s hand. “I know it will be. Because you’re amazing. And you deserve better. Hey! Are you seeing anyone right now?”

Cas laughed. “No, no, no. I haven’t had time.”

Jess beamed. “I have a friend I think you would like! He’s a really nice guy, real mature and down to Earth.”

“Thank you, Jess, but I don’t really think it’s a good time.”

“Awww, why not? You deserve to be happy, Cas! You deserve to be loved! I’m going to find you somebody! You just wait!”

Cas giggled and squeezed her hand. “Okay, Jess. I’ll wait.”

*****

Sam found them a short while later after the bar had cleared out and the music stopped playing. He rolled his eyes at the pair, smiled at their joined hands. Ellen came up behind him and chuckled.

“Well, what a cute pair they make.”

“A dangerous pair,” Sam corrected. “I haven’t seen Jess get this plastered since graduation.”

“You need help getting them home?”

“No, I think I got it. I just need help getting them to the car.”

“I can take Cas home.”

Sam and Ellen spun around. Dean stood there with one hand in his pocket. He shrugged, trying far too hard to look nonchalant.

“You wanna take Cas?” Sam asked.

Again, Dean shrugged. “I have a car and I’m sober.”

“You don’t have to Dean. I can drop him off.”

“What? No, you can’t just leave him!”

“Why not?”

“Look at him!” Dean waved a hand at Cas’s sleeping form. “Cas almost never drinks. When he gets this drunk he’s an absolute mess. Someone has to be there to take care of him.” Dean paused. “And I owe him anyway.”

Sam contemplated. “I just… I don’t think Cas would like it.”

“Yeah, well Cas is blackout drunk, his brother is long gone and there’s no one else who can do it, so…”

Sam sighed. “Okay, fine. Be careful.”

“Aye, aye, captain.”

“You boys drive safely,” Ellen said, pressing a kiss to each of the their cheeks before going off to finish cleaning.

Sam lifted Jess over his shoulder and waved an awkward goodbye.

Dean looked down at Cas and sighed. What had he gotten himself into?

He gathered the sleeping man into his arms. He was always so surprised by how heavy Cas was. He looked so scrawny.

It was a rough walk, but Dean got Cas to the Impala. He slid him into the passenger seat and buckled the seatbelt. It was disorienting being this close to Cas again… at least while sober.

Dean buckled himself into the driver’s seat. He looked over at Cas with his head resting against the window, his chest moving with gentle breaths, face peaceful and lost to the world.

Dean started the engine.

“Let’s go home, babe.”


	8. Chapter 8

Cas threw up a lot that night. Dean kept him company on the bathroom floor for several hours, wiping his hair from his forehead, giving him water to wash his mouth out.

When Cas finally began to calm down, Dean took him to the bedroom. Undressing Cas was a bit awkward because he was completely unconscious. Dean decided it would be best to just take his shoes and pants off so he would be comfortable. He pulled the comforter over Cas and took a place on the floor to he would be close if Cas needed him again.

Which he did. Cas woke twice in the early morning hours to vomit and Dean was there to help him clean up.

Cas completely zonked out around 6:00. Dean moved to the couch.

He got a few solid hours of sleep until he heard knocking at the door. Grumpy and groggy, Dean dragged himself from the couch and opened the door.

“Dean?”

Dean blinked at the red-haired woman, his mind slow to pull her from his memory. “Anna?” he finally asked.

“What are you doing here?” Anna demanded.

“Taking care of your drunk brother.”

Anna pushed inside. “Is he okay? What happened?”

“He’s fine,” Dean said, closing the door. “He just had a bit too much to drink. Actually, it was a lot too much to drink.”

“Why did you take care of him?”

“Because I was the only person who was sober enough to do it.”

“You could have called me.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “My deepest apologies, Anna. I’ll remember that next time it’s two a.m. and your brother is passed out in a bar.” Dean grabbed his shoes and began pulling them on. “Look, you’re here now so you can take over. Make sure he drinks a lot of water when he wakes up. Actually, Cas prefers Sprite when he’s hungover. It helps with the stomachache. He’s going to refuse to take Tylenol and stuff so you’ll have to crush it up and put it in the Sprite if his headache gets too bad. I never understood that quirk of his.” Dean grabbed his car keys off the counter.

Anna was stunned as Dean made his way to the door. “I can’t believe you know all of that.”

Dean frowned. “I lived with him for three years, Anna. You kind of pick up on those types of things.”

“Why would you… why would you even volunteer to take care of him? You could have just left him at the bar. Or Ellen could have taken care of him.”

Dean couldn’t help the little huff of offense. “Jesus Christ, Anna, I know you think I’m a dick, and you have every reason to, but I did love the man.”

Anna’s eyes frosted over. “You had a funny way of showing it.”

Dean swallowed roughly. “Fair point.”

“I don’t know what you’re up to, Dean, but I really hope you figure it out fast.”

“I’m not up to anything.”

Anna tilted her head in that familiar gesture of suspicion and confusion Cas often used. Dean had always found it cute. “Really? So suddenly coming back into Castiel’s life is just a coincidence? Especially this time of year?”

Trust Anna to hit the nail on the head. She was staring at him with eyes that dared him to try to deny it.

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, Anna. I didn’t mean to show up here last week. I really didn’t. It just happened and… it’s getting worse.”

Anna just nodded, confirming her suspicions. “Cas doesn’t realize that it’s getting to him too. He probably just thinks it's because you showed up. But he’s been acting weird since April began. Eating and sleeping less, burying himself in work. Lots of cleaning.” She looked around the apartment. “He cleaned yesterday. I can smell the Pine-Sol.”

“Yeah, I noticed the air vents.”

Anna sighed. “I don’t know what to do with the two of you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I want to hate you, Dean. For everything you did to Cas, I should absolutely loathe you.” Dean bowed his head. “But what I actually hate is seeing how miserable my brother is without you.”

“What are you saying, Anna?”

Anna walked until she was just inches from Dean. “I’m saying that if you see a way to fix this, do it. And do it now. No more waiting. I want my brother to be happy and if you’re the key, then do what you need to do to get past this. Otherwise, stay far away from him.”

She slipped past Dean, and he turned, watching as she headed toward the door. “Where are you going?” 

“Home.”

“But aren’t you… I thought you-”

“I trust you to take care of him,” Anna said. “Besides, I love Cas but I am not cleaning up his puke.” She pointed down the hall toward Cas’s room. “Do both of you a favor, and go talk to him. And I mean really talk.”

*****

Cas was ninety percent sure he was dying. This amount of pain was not normal. It wasn’t human. He felt like he had been stabbed in the stomach and hit in the head with a hammer. It was not a pleasant combination and the urge to vomit was not a happy addition.

Cas sprung from the bed. He barely made it to the bathroom before tossing what little contents he had left in his stomach.

The bathtub pressed into Cas’s back, it’s cool temperature soothing. Cas just sat there for a while, giving his mind and lungs time to process and calm.

God, how much had he had to drink last night? He had honestly lost count. Jess and Jo had just kept pushing them at him and he just kept sucking them down. He couldn’t even remember what he had been drinking.

He also couldn’t remember how he had gotten home. Cas frowned at the bathroom. He didn’t remember getting a cab or riding up the elevator. He didn’t remember undressing or crawling into bed.

Cas heard a bang in the kitchen.

Cas groaned. “Please, no,” he whispered. “Please don’t be a creepy stranger in my kitchen. Please don’t tell me I hooked up with a stranger, god, _please_.”

It took Cas a while to get off the floor. He used the wall for support as he wobbled to the kitchen. He took a breath before turning the corner.

He screamed.

Dean screamed too.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Cas demanded.

“Why the fuck are you screaming?” Dean yelled back.

“Stop screaming at me! My head hurts!”

“Then stop yelling, dumbass,” Dean said, forcing his voice to a more reasonable volume. “Gave me a fucking heart attack. What the fuck is wrong with you.”

Cas slid into one of the stools. “Why are you in my house?” he whined. “What happened? Please don’t tell me we-”

Dean barked out a bit of laughter from his position at the stove. “Oh, please. I’m not a pig, Cas.”

“That’s debatable.”

“You and your best pal, Jess, passed out at the roadhouse. Sam took Jess home and I took you. How are you feeling by the way?”

Cas stomach clenched. “Like shit.”

“Yeah, thought so.” Dean moved to the fridge. He pulled out a can of Sprite and poured it into a coffee mug, then slid it across the counter to Cas.

Castiel could have cried. He took a sip and sighed as he felt the bubbles work their way down his throat and into his stomach.

“Better?”

“Much,” he admitted. “Why did you have to bring me home? There wasn’t anyone else?”

Dean turned back to the stove. “No one who you knew who was also sober and who could stay the night with you to make sure you didn’t drown in your own puke.”

“I wouldn’t have drowned in my own puke.”

“Yeah, that’s real convincing after I just spent a night keeping your head out of a toilet bowl of it. You were fucking plastered.”

Cas shrugged. “I’m entitled to a night of abandon and immaturity every now and then. I’ve certainly been through enough this year to warrant a few.”

Dean spun around. “Really, Cas? You’re gonna blame this all on me?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize being abandoned by your fiance a month before your wedding was something that happened often.”

Dean blew air out of his nose. “You know what? You’re right. This is on me. And I apologize.”

“I don’t know if that’s an apology for last night or for the shitty way you broke up with me, but both leave much to be desired.”

Dean snorted with dark laughter. “You know, I forgot how much of a sassy little shit you become when you’re hungover.”

“I’m not sassy, I’m pissed.”

“At me?”

“That seems to have become my primary hobby this past year.”

“Okay. Well, I just have one question before this begins.” Dean turned with a plate of pancakes. “Do you want to have this conversation before or after we eat breakfast?”

Cas threw his mug of Sprite at Dean’s head.

Dean ducked just it time. The mug hit the cabinet and shattered across the floor and countertop.

“Sooooo now,” Dean said meekly.

“Stop turning everything into a joke, you asshole!” 

“Okay,” Dean said, setting the plate of pancakes down in a safe place. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Cas.”

“Sorry isn’t good enough, Dean! You left me! You-you just decided that you didn’t want me! You abandoned me during one of the most stressful moments of my life! Twenty-one days! You left me twenty-one days before we were supposed to get married! Who the fuck even does that? And everything you did before that? The drinking? The disappearing acts? And then you couldn’t even tell me why. You just vanished one day.” Cas’s voice lowered as he began to tremble, thinking back on that terrifying day. “I came home and you were just gone. Not even a note. You just… _left_.”

Dean just nodded throughout Cas’s outburst, taking on each shriek and scream with hunched shoulders and a bowed head.

Cas was clutching the counter, drained. He pushed a hand over his face, wiping the tears away. “Can you even tell me why?” he asked with a broken voice. “I mean, don’t you think you owe me that much? We were perfect. We were in love and we were doing great. You just suddenly changed. What did I do? Did I say something? Was I just not good enough anymore?”

Dean’s head snapped up. “What? Cas, no! No, no, no! It had nothing to do with you! You… you were perfect. You were a dream come true. It was all on me, Cas. It was me.”

“What was it? What happened?”

Dean looked away again. “It’s really stupid, Cas. I’m ashamed I even listened. I wasted so much precious time with you. I made you miserable. I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me and I will always have to live with that guilt and regret.”

“That’s not good enough, Dean,” Cas seethed. “I want to know why. I deserve to know what ruined my life.”

“It doesn’t matter, Cas.”

“Yeah, and apparently neither do I.”

Dean moved around the counter, getting as close to Cas as he dared. “You mean everything to me.”

“Not enough to keep you from listening to some really stupid advice or something. And not enough for you to tell me what it was now. I’m tired of the mystery, Dean. I’m tired of this guessing game with you. We’re almost thirty years old. I need more than this.”

“Cas, I-”

“No, Dean, it’s okay.” Cas took a deep breath and when he exhaled, all of his fury was gone. “It’s okay. We needed to have this talk. Anna said it would give me closure and she was right.” He laughed bitterly. “I feel…better. Maybe I had always hoped deep down that when this finally happened, it would end a different way. But maybe we just need to face that… we weren’t meant to be. And that’s okay.”

Cas stood to meet Dean face to face. Dean was shaking his head. Cas took his hands in his. “What are you doing?” Dean murmured.

“Maybe if we end this on friendly terms, we can both move on more smoothly,” Cas suggested. He cleared his throat. “Dean Winchester, it was an honor to love you and be loved by you. And I hope you find the person who you need most very soon and I hope they make you ten times happier than I ever did.”

Cas’s heart ached just saying the words, but he got them out and he leaned in to kiss Dean’s cheek. “I’m going to go back to bed. You can leave whenever you’d like.”

The walk to his bedroom felt like miles. Cas closed the door behind him and fell into his bed, heart in pieces once again. But he wouldn’t cry. Cas refused to cry over this. Not again.

Then he heard the front door close.

And he couldn’t hold it back.


	9. Chapter 9

Castiel’s head was still spinning when he walked into his classroom Monday morning. Thankfully, all he had to do was instruct his teaching assistants to hand out the exams and answer booklets. He gave a short spiel to the students about taking their time, then sat at his desk and hid his face behind his computer.

The exam was two hours a long and Cas spent every minute fighting the overwhelming need to sleep. He tried to busy himself with more research about his upcoming trip to India but he found the words just blending together and melting off the screen.

About halfway through, Cas had to excuse himself to the restroom. He splashed his face with cold water and stood with his head bowed for a long moment, trying to compose himself.

After Dean left on Sunday, Cas had spent the entire day in bed. He mostly slept. A phone call from Anna woke him around 4:00. Cas ignored it. Around 5:00 he actually got up and went to the kitchen. He found a plate of Saltines on the counter and nibbled on one as he pulled a can of Sprite from the fridge. The broken mug had been cleaned up and Dean had washed the dishes from breakfast.

Cas finished his cracker and went back to bed.

Cas had expected to feel better after their talk. He expected to feel lighter, freer. If not happier, than more content. He had been weighed down by Dean’s departure for a year, constantly wondering what he could have done differently to make Dean stay, how he could have been better for Dean.

But Cas felt nothing.

He had been able to finally vent his feelings to Dean but he hadn’t gotten any answers.

Now, Cas just felt… empty.

But it was over. That’s what Cas had to hold onto now. He and Dean were over. It was resolved. They had parted on… cordial terms. They could move on.

That carried Cas through the rest of the exam. At the end, his assistants collected everything and Cas shoved them into his bag.

His office was quiet, as the majority of his department was also out giving exams right now. Cas gave each of his assistants a grading key and split the mountain of exams into equal portions amongst them, sending them away with a thank you.

Cas was almost through his stack when he got a call.

It was Jess.

Cas considered not answering. But it was Jess. She would probably just spend the next hour blowing his phone up.

“Hello, Jess.”

“You talked to Dean, didn’t you?”

“What?”

“You talked to Dean,” Jess repeated, but this time it was a statement instead of a question.

Cas leaned back in his chair. “Yes.”

“It didn’t go well.” Another statement.

“It was… as pleasant as one could expect.”

Cas could see Jess pouting sympathetically. “I’m sorry, Cas. I really hoped things would work out for the two of you.”

“Things did work out, Jess. I think this is how it’s supposed to be.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… Dean and I had a good life together. We were in love and it was wonderful and… and deep down I will always love him. But it wasn’t meant to last.”

“Oh, come on, Cas!” Jess shouted into the phone. “That’s bullshit and you know it! You guys were perfect for each other. I’ve never seen two people so in love. Hell, there were times Sam and I wished our relationship was more like yours.”

“You and Sam have a wonderful relationship-”

“That’s not the point!” Jess barked. “Cas… I know this is hard. I know. And if you truly don’t want to be with Dean, I can respect that and I won’t push you. But don’t pretend like it’s because you guys don’t belong together. Don’t lie to yourself.”

Cas let Jess’s words wash over him. He looked up at the ceiling. “He won’t tell me why.”

“What?”

“He won’t tell me why he left. That’s the only thing I’m asking for and he won’t tell me. He just said he listened to something he shouldn’t have. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“Does it really matter, Cas? I mean, he admitted it was dumb and that he regrets it. Isn’t that what’s the most important?”

“Of course, but I need to know, Jess. I deserve to know what caused all of this. It’s like he’s protecting something.”

“I guess I can see how that would be annoying. Want me to do some snooping?”

Cas laughed. “No. I’m ready to just let it go.”

“Okay.” There was a hint of tears in Jess’s voice. “But don’t become a stranger this time, okay? You still have to come around and be our friend.”

“I will. I promise.”

“Good.” Jess sniffed. “You can start tonight. We’re having Charlie and Dorothy over for dinner. Dean will probably be off sulking somewhere around town so you can come hang out with us fun people.”

Cas laughed lightly. “As lovely as it would be to join you for dinner, I have to go to the hospital today for my vaccinations.”

“Oh. Okay. Well, what about Friday? We’re going out for drinks to celebrate Sam’s degree.”

Cas’s stomach churned at the mention of alcohol. “I don’t know if that’s the best idea. I’m still recovering from Saturday.”

Jess laughed. “Oh, you’ll be fine by Friday. You don’t even have to drink. But come with us. Please.”

“Will Dean be there?”

Jess hesitated. “Yes, but you can bring a friend! Or I can invite that guy I was telling you about, the really nice one who-”

“No, Jess,” Cas interrupted. “Thank you, but a date is the last thing I need right now. But I will join you.”

“Yes, yes, yes! Awesome! Okay, it’s Friday at nine at Kilroy’s.”

“Not the roadhouse?”

“No, Ellen said we’re going to drink her out of house and home. You’ll be there, right?”

“Yes. I’ll be there.”

“Great. Okay. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay.”

“Love you, Cas.”

“Love you too.”

*****

“Hey, Winchester!”

Dean groaned into his pillow. “What, Charlie?”

“What are you doing hiding in here?”

“Hiding.”

“It’s dinner time.”

“I’m aware.”

“Well, c’mon then. Since when do you turn down food?”

Dean didn’t answer her, praying that if he was quiet Charlie would just go away. Instead, a few seconds later he felt Charlie lowering herself onto his bed.

“What’s up?”

Dean angled his head so that he could see Charlie’s face. She wore a soft smile an expectant eyes. “I talked to Cas.”

Charlie’s eyebrows shot up. “Yeah? What happened?”

“He said he didn’t think we were meant to be together.”

“And what did you say?”

Dean shrugged. “What could I say?”

Charlie's brows drew together. “How about, ‘I don’t agree?’ Or ‘You’re the only person I want to be with.’ Or ‘That’s a load of bullshit, I’m sorry for being a mega asshole, I still love you, please let me prove it to you.’ Simple.”

“I did tell him that. Kinda…”

“Yeah, I’m sure you did.” Charlie, paused, flipping onto her side to support her head on her small fist. “Dean, what do you want?”

Dean flipped onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. What did he want? “I want Cas to be happy.”

“No shit. I meant, from that conversation. From the endless realm of ways that conversation could have gone, in your dream version, how did you want it to end? What do you want?”

Dean had been imagining that conversation for a year, had played it out a hundred different ways. Sometimes, they were pleasant, ending close to the way it actually had. In some, Cas had turned his back, punched Dean or even just broken down and cried. Those were the nightmares.

But there were a select few that Dean clung to, that ended in the same way Dean and Cas used to begin their days.

“I want Cas.”

Charlie wiggled over to rest her head on Dean’s shoulder. “Then you move heaven and hell to get him.”

The door opened then. Sam’s head popped in. “Guys, dinner is ready. Come on before Jess kills you.”

“Look, I come in here to save you and I end up getting in trouble,” Charlie grumbled as she got to her feet. “Come on, Winchester.”

Dean rolled his eyes and took the small hand Charlie offered.

Jess had the kitchen table set up for the five of them. She was scooping lasagna onto each plate when Dean and Charlie walked in. She smiled at Charlie before her eyes shot to Dean and froze over.

Dean looked to Sam for help but Sam just shrugged.

“Where’s Cas?” Dorothy asked as everyone took their seats. “I thought you were inviting him, Jess.”

“I did,” Jess said, filling her glass with wine. “He couldn’t come. He’s in the hospital.”

Dean’s heart stopped. “Hospital? Is he okay? What happ-?”

“He’s fine. He’s just getting vaccinations for his vacation.”

Dean exhaled. “Oh. Okay. What vacation?”

“Cas is going to India for the summer,” Charlie piped up between bites of her food.

Once again, Dean’s heart stopped beating. He leaned back in his chair, his appetite gone.

Cas was going on their vacation. The one he had planned for over a year ago with Dean. The one Dean would roll his eyes about because he knew Cas only wanted to go so he could nerd out over some dusty ruins. The one Dean had actually begun doing research for so he could talk to Cas about the dusty ruins.

He was going without Dean.

He was moving on.

“Dean?” Sam asked, nudging his brother’s shoulder. “Hey, Dean. Are you okay?”

Dean blinked slowly. Everyone was watching him carefully. There was a look of understanding on Sam’s face while Dorothy and Charlie watched him with pitiful gazes. Jess had her head tilted, as if anticipating Dean’s next words.

“When is he leaving?”

Jess’s tone was level when she said, “May thirteenth.”

Dean had to leave the table.


	10. Chapter 10

“Congratulations on another good year. I wish you all happy summers and I’ll see you back here in the fall.”

Cas lifted his champagne glass with the rest of his colleagues. As they cheered and chattered about the highs and lows of the semester he retreated back into his office.

It was hard to believe that it was over. All that was left was a little grading. Another year gone.

But at least now Cas could move on. He’d gotten through his first year as a professor. He would spend his summer in India doing research on Jain temples. Then he would come back, ready to teach another year. It would be better. The year would be better. He would be better.

Of course, this was all dependent on him surviving tonight.

Jess hadn’t let Cas forget about his promise to go out with them Friday night. And really, when Cas had agreed to go he had meant it. But as the day got closer, Cas found it harder to breathe.

He hadn’t seen or heard of Dean since the day after they talked. Cas was still buzzing with the conversation, the hurt and guilt in Dean’s eyes, Cas’s claim that they weren’t meant to be and Jess calling him out on it. Cas didn’t know what to do with all of it. And the more he thought about it, the more his head and heart hurt.

And the more he didn’t want to go tonight. Because that meant seeing Dean and Cas honestly just didn’t know how to handle it.

“Now you’re too good to bitch and moan with the rest of us?” Balthazar asked as he barged into Cas’s office.

Cas smiled apologetically. “I have a lot on my mind.”

“I’m going to go ahead and assume you don’t mean India.”

“You would be correct.”

There was a brief moment of silence before Balthazar drawled, “So are you actually going to make me ask what it is?”

Cas sighed. “I promised Sam and Jess that I would go out for drinks with them tonight to celebrate Sam finishing graduate school.”

Balthazar clucked knowingly. “And Dean will be there.”

Cas nodded.

“How typical. And you don’t know what to do or how to feel about it since your lovely little chat last week?”

Again, Cas just nodded.

“Right. Okay, Cassie, well, since I am such a wonderful friend, I’m going to tell you what to do. You are going to go home and change into some decent clothes-”

“What’s wrong with-?”

“Castiel, please, you do not want me to answer that question. You’re going to put on something that makes Dean Winchester come in his pants every time he gets a glimpse of your ass-”

“Balthazar!” Cas hissed.

“-then you’re going to show up at this bar. You’re going to congratulate Sam and buy him a drink. Then you’re going to drink. You’re going to smile at Dean like a normal person. You’re going to laugh at his horrible jokes and bore him with talk of your research - oh, face it, Cas, we’re the only people who find this shit interesting. You’re going to dance with Jess. You’re going to get a drink with Dean and flirt with the bartender. Then, once you’re nice and tipsy and have a few phone numbers, you’re going to get in a taxi and go home. Really, I’m almost jealous of how much fun you’re going to have.”

Cas was glaring at his friend at this point. “Balthazar, I’m not going to flirt with a bartender.”

“Fine, take all the fun out of it.”

Cas sighed. “I’m sure it will be fine. We’re there for Sam. Dean and I can get through one night together for Sam.”

“Of course,” Balthazar said, the two words dripping with a fresh coat of sarcasm. “Just like you did on his birthday.”

*****

Dean tapped his fingers on the table. He wasn’t nervous.

He watched his brother and Jess take a shot together and his mouth watered for a taste. His eyes scanned back and forth across the shelves behind the bar, landing on some of his favorites. He licked his lips. He wasn’t nervous.

He pulled his phone out, hoping to entertain himself with a text or something but no one had contacted him. He checked his email and fiddled through his rarely used apps. He wasn’t nervous.

“Dean, will you please stop acting like a nervous chicken?” Jess laughed, shoving his shoulder.

Dean glared at her. “I’m not nervous.”

“Yeah, right, and I’m the starting quarterback for the Broncos.”

“Kudos for even knowing a football team, Jess.”

“Oh, hey, cut the tension, pregnant lady coming through!” Charlie chirped as she and Dorothy joined their table.

“Is everything okay?” Dorothy asked.

“Dean is nervous,” Sam answered.

“I’m not nervous!” Dean hissed.

Charlie eyed him impatiently. “Right. Okay, well, congratulations, Sam!” Charlie shoved a giant red bag at Sam.

“Oh, guys you didn’t have to get me anything,” Sam said as he put his beer down. “I just had a birthday.”

“Yeah, but it’s not every day that you finish graduate school,” Dorothy said. “Open it.”

Sam filtered through the tissue paper and pulled out a beautiful leather briefcase. “Oh, wow,” he breathed, turning it over in his hands to touch the gold buckles on the front.

“Can’t be a lawyer without a briefcase,” Charlie said. “Jess said you had been eyeing some so ta-da!”

“Thanks so much, you guys! It’s amazing!” He hugged each woman.

They went on chatting for a while, talking about school and how grateful they were that it was over. Charlie and Dorothy told them about their plans for the nursery. They had decided on emerald green for the walls and something about a blanket with a pattern of flying monkeys on it that Dean didn’t understand.

Every few minutes Dean would hit his phone to check the time. It was almost 9:30 and there was no sign of Cas. Dean didn’t know if that disappointed or relieved him but he began bouncing his leg under the table and it got faster with each passing minute.

“Oh my god, Dean,” Jess growled. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but do you want a drink?”

“What? No! No, I’m fine.”

“Is Cas still coming?” Charlie asked.

“He said he would,” Sam said. “But I don’t know. I texted him a little while ago but he never responded.”

“I can call him,” Jess said, digging her phone out of her purse.

Jess was just lifting the phone to her ear when Dorothy spoke up, “Oh, wait, look! There he is!”

Five heads turned at once toward the front door as a dark-haired man slipped inside. Dean’s mouth went dry.

Cas always had that sexy professor look going for him with his sweaters and big glasses. But he had ditched that guise tonight for a pair of tight jeans, a simple slate gray button-down and a black leather jacket. It set Dean on fire.

It was all he could do not to moan as Cas walked toward them and Dean could see the smooth column of this throat and his a few inches of his chest where the top two buttons of the shirt sat open. The simple dark colors made Cas’s eyes practically glow and he was smiling brilliantly and Dean just couldn’t handle all of it.

“Cas!” Jess cheered when he was in range. She stood to hug him and Dean had never wished to be Jess before, but in that moment he would have given anything for long blonde hair and boobs.

“Hello, Jess,” Cas said, returning the embrace. He turned his smile on the rest of the table, eyes carefully avoiding Dean. “Hello, everyone.”

“It’s about damn time,” Charlie said as Cas took a seat between Dorothy and Jess that placed him right across from Dean.

“My apologies. I was having problems with a friend of mine. But, anyway, congratulations, Sam.” Cas smiled broadly and handed Sam a black bag.

“Thanks, Cas,” Sam said and pulled a box out. He flipped the lid to find a collection of nice ties. “Oh, wow, these are awesome.”

“So much better than the ones you picked out,” Jess quipped.

Sam nudged her side and put the box back in the bag. “Thanks again, Cas.”

“Of course.”

Charlie clapped her hands. “Okay, well I think it’s time for another round. How about a shot? Except for you babe,” Charlie said with a wink at Dorothy. “Hey, Mr. Sobriety, you wanna help?”

Dean gave her a dark look but stood up and followed her to the bar. Charlie ordered four shots of something Dean had never heard of and a water for Dorothy. Then she turned to Dean. “So?”

Dean quirked an eyebrow. “So?”

“So you gonna talk to Cas tonight or just keep pretending that you didn’t get a massive boner the second he walked through the door?”

Dean’s eyes bugged and he couldn’t help looking down at his crotch. Charlie threw her head back and laughed, drawing attention from the people around them. “Dammit, Charlie,” Dean cursed. “How did you even-?”

“Oh, please. You’re my best friend, Dean. So are you gonna talk to him?”

Dean glanced over at the table where Cas was laughing at something Dorothy was telling him. He looked so light and happy, loose, something Dean hadn’t seen in him in a long time. “I don’t know what to even say.”

“Dude, we just went over this like four days ago. ‘Cas, I’m sorry for being a huge dick but I’m still massively in love with you and I would-’”

“He looks happy.”

“What?”

“He looks happy,” Dean repeated. “I haven’t seen him look like that in a long time.”

The bartender filled Charlie’s shots and pushed them toward her with the glass of water. “Yeah, and if you don’t do something soon you’re not going to see him again period for a long time.”

Dean’s stomach clenched. He looked at Cas again, watched as he talked to Jess and Dorothy, articulating something with hands. “What do I even say?”

Charlie shrugged as she shoved three of the shots into Dean’s hands. “I don’t know. It’s Cas. Ask him about Norse gods or something.”

They made their way back to the table. Charlie handed Dorothy her water and kept her shot glass, leaving Dean to distribute the rest. He slid one to Sam and Jess, then to Cas who met his eyes tentatively for the first time. “Thank you, Dean,” he murmured.

Dean gulped. “Welcome.”

Jess picked up her glass. “Well, now that we’re finally all together, I believe it’s time to celebrate the reason we’re all here. Sam,” she said, placing a gentle hand on her fiance’s shoulder, “the last two years have been hell for you and god knows there were so many moments when you just wanted to quit. But you stuck with it and all of your hard work has paid off today. We are so proud of you. To Sam!” she toasted.

“To Sam!” the rest of them chorused and tossed their drinks back.

Things became more natural after that. They each took turns talking about work. Jess told a particularly funny story about some high-off-his-ass patient who showed up in the emergency room two days ago declaring he was Thor. Dorothy joked about training her replacement at the library for her upcoming maternity leave. Charlie had found some freelance work for some corporate douchebag named Dick Roman. He was creepy but he paid well.

Dean felt lost in time, hearing all of his closest friends talk about their daily lives and seeing Cas smiling right in front of him as he listened.

Then Jess asked, “So, Cas, how go plans for India? Have you packed yet?”

Dean felt the air knocked from his lungs.

Cas’s eyes flickered to him for a second before smiling at Jess. “Ugh, no, I haven’t.”

Charlie sighed wistfully. “I can’t believe you get to go travel around India while we’re stuck in Kansas watching corn pop out of the ground.”

“Well, I’ll be working the entire time so I doubt I’ll have many opportunities for fun or sight seeing.”

The table hummed with silence for a moment. Something hit Dean’s shin and his head jerked up to meet Charlie’s angry glare. “Talk to him,” she hissed.

When Dean hesitated she kicked him again, making Dean jolt against the table. “S-so, Cas,” he gritted out as all eyes shot to him, “wh-what are you working on in India?”

Cas’s eyes widened a fraction. “Ugh, well, I’m studying Jain temples.”

“Oh, yeah? From any particular region?”

Cas seemed surprised by Dean’s follow-up question. “My goal is to compare the temples of the north to the west and south but my focus will be on the Jain temples in Southern India.”

“What is a Jain temple?” Jess wondered.

“It’s a place of worship for people who practice Jainism, an Indian religion that practices non-violence toward all living beings,” Dean explained. Five pairs of eyebrows rose and Dean coughed awkwardly. “At least, that’s what I read… once. I think.”

Now there was a confused frown on Cas’s face and Dean knew that any second now he would - yep, there it was. Cas’s head tilted to the side. “Yes, Dean. That’s correct.”

Dean found himself unable to look away from Cas’s eyes as they stared at him so curiously. It was easy to think of drowning in those blue eyes but Dean felt like he was soaring. Cas’s lips started to curve.

“Cassie, there you are!”

And like that, the spell was broken. Cas jolted to attention and looked over Dean’s shoulder and a real smile lit up his face.

A thin man with blond hair draped a familiar arm over Cas’s shoulder. “Hello, everyone!” he greeted in a British accent that took them all for surprise. “I apologize for being late but traffic is full of fleeing students at the moment. You’d think they hated school or something.”

Cas rolled his eyes at the man. “Everyone, this is Balthazar, my colleague. Balthazar, you know Sam-”

“Yes, the sasquatch with a law degree now,” Balthazar said and leaned to shake Sam’s hand. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

“This is his fiancée, Jess,” Cas continued. “And Dorothy and her wife, Charlie.” All three women nodded and said their hellos. “And this is Dean.”

The man had blue eyes. They weren’t nearly as bright as Cas’s but they made Dean squirm all the same as he looked him up and down carefully. Finally, he leaned to shake Dean’s hand. His grip was strong, almost painful and Dean’s eyes narrowed and returned the pressure.

“Dean,” Balthazar said. “So we meet at last. I must say, Cas, he is every bit as beautiful as you said he was.”

Both Dean and Cas blushed furiously.

“Well, it looks as though I have quite a bit of catching up to do. Castiel, would you care to join me?”

Cas hummed and slid out of his chair to follow his friend to the bar.

“Who the hell is that?” Jess demanded the second the two were out of earshot.

“He works in the religious studies department with Cas,” Sam said. “I’ve seen him around a few times. Friendly guy.”

“Are him and Cas a thing?”

They were all watching the two as they sidled up to the bar. Cas was looking up at Balthazar with a light scowl that flooded Dean with relief. Then Balthazar said something and Cas’s scowl broke into a smile and he laughed and gave Balthazar a gentle shove. Balthazar just laughed and returned his arm to Cas’s shoulder and Dean’s stomach twisted.

“Dean?” Charlie asked, leaning close to him. “Are you okay?”

Dean swallowed and tore his eyes from the couple. “Yeah. Yeah, Charlie, I’m good.” He angled his body so he didn’t have to look at the bar. He smiled.

Dean did his best to continue the charade through the rest of the night. Balthazar joined them at the table and put up with the group’s slight interrogation. Cas sat happily at his side, his smile an odd combination of bliss and gratitude.

So Cas had moved on. He had found someone. Good. That was good. Cas deserved someone who could make him happy and if that someone was this Balthazar fellow, then Dean could smile at him and get through the night.

Then a new song came on and Balthazar pepped up. They were all several drinks gone at this point and speech was getting messy and bodies were loosening. “This song!” the Brit exclaimed. “Oh, I love this song! Cas, c’mon, we’re dancing!”

Cas’s bleary eyes widened. “What? Balthazar, no, I don’t dan -”

“You do tonight! Let’s go!” And like that, Balthazar was whisking Cas to the dance floor. Dean watched as Cas giggled uncontrollably as they found their place amongst the other dancers. Balthazar’s hands dropped to Cas’s waist.

“I need a drink,” Dean announced.

He had his back turned to them at the bar, but Dean couldn’t help looking over his shoulder. Cas had shed himself of his jacket a while ago and Dean could see where the shirt clung to the long slope of his back, hugged his shoulders and his toned biceps. And, god, his ass. Cas had a great ass and the jeans were so damn snug-

“What can I get for you?” the bartender asked, crashing into Dean’s thoughts.

“Hmm? Oh, ugh, I’ll just have a coke…”

Balthazar’s hands slipped to Cas’s hips as he pulled them closer together.

Dean faced the bartender. “Actually, make that a double Jack.”

Dean watched attentively as the man set out a glass and turned the whisky bottle. His mouth watered as the brown liquor splashed into the glass and darkened as it filled. “Here you go, man,” the bartender said as he pushed the glass into Dean’s hands.

Dean’s fingers closed around the glass. He lifted it and took a deep whiff. It smelt like relief.

“Don’t.”

Dean jumped as Cas popped up next to him. “Dammit, Cas,” he yelped, setting the whisky down. “Don’t do that!”

“Sorry.”

When Cas made no sign of leaving after a moment, Dean quirked an eyebrow. “Can I help you with something?”

“I thought you weren’t drinking.”

Dean looked at his glass, dark laughter shaking his chest. “Yeah, well, breaking promises is kind of what I do best.”

Cas pursed his lips. “Are you okay, Dean?”

“I’m awesome. What about you?”

“I’m fine.” Cas wobbled for a second, opened and closed his mouth. “How do you… How do you know so much about Jainism?”

Dean eyed the corner of the bar and shrugged. “Probably heard it on the history channel or something.”

“The history channel has never done a study on Jain temples,” Cas said. “I know because I would have watched it.” He leaned into Dean’s space, peering up at him. “Tell the truth.”

The heat swelling in Dean’s chest creeped up his neck. “I, ugh- you left it on your computer one day.”

“What?”

Dean cleared his throat. “Last year… when we were planning our anniversary vacation.” The words felt rough rolling off of Dean’s tongue. “You left a page up about some temple in India. I figured that was the real reason you wanted to go. So I did some research.”

Cas leaned back, almost like he had been slapped. “But why?”

Dean gave a small shrug, not sure what kind of answer Cas was looking for. “So I could talk to you about it?”

Cas turned to look straight ahead at the bottles of liquor on the wall and Dean did the same, fingers still wrapped around his glass.

“That was very sweet of you.”

“You know me. Mr. Romantic.”

“Are you mad at me?”

Dean frowned. “Why would I be?”

Cas was staring at his hands like they held the answer to the meaning of life. “For going to India without you. It was supposed to be our vacation.”

Dean melted. To think that after all that had happened, Cas was still worried about offending him. He couldn’t help it when his hand reached over to wipe Cas’s hair from his forehead. For a second, he thought Cas leaned into the touch. His big blue eyes blinked up at him. Dean smiled. “No, Cas. I’m not mad. I’m glad you finally get to go. I just want you to be happy.” _Even if that meant loving someone else._

Cas’s smile was small, almost trembling. “I want you to be happy too.” He reached over and took Dean’s drink. It was gone in one swallow.

“Cas, what the-”

Cas’s body shook as his face tightened. “Ugh, disgusting. I never understood how you liked that stuff.”

Dean blinked at the empty glass. “Why did you do that?”

“So you wouldn’t. I’m proud of you, Dean.” Cas yawned. “I need to get home before this all starts to hit me.”

“Do you need help?”

“No, I’ll be okay. I didn’t have nearly as much as last time.” Cas sobered for a second, long enough to give Dean a real smile. “Have a good summer, Dean.”

A thousand ways to respond circled through Dean’s head and every one of them ended with Dean clinging to Cas and refusing to let him leave, begging him not to go. Instead he just smiled back and said, “Yeah, you too, Cas.”

He watched Cas saunter back over to the table where he said goodbye to their friends. Balthazar helped him into his jacket and together they waded out of the bar.


	11. Chapter 11

On Saturday, Cas woke early and made his final drive to the university for the next few months. He changed into his black robes and joined his colleagues as they observed the graduation ceremony.

Cas stayed to see Sam walk out and receive his law degree. They met up afterward so Cas could shake his hand and congratulate him, though between Dean and Jess, it was a miracle he managed to get the man alone for even two seconds.

Dean was so flushed with pride that there hadn’t been an ounce of awkwardness when Cas approached him and said, “You did good.”

Dean’s already watering eyes had just welled up further as he choked out, “Thanks, Cas.”

Cas left feeling a little choked up himself.

Sunday saw a lot of grading. Castiel had about twenty final papers to filter through and they were all eight to ten pages long. It was exhausting and daunting but he finished late into the night and logged his students’ final grades.

Monday was all about packing. He had all of his clothes for the trip shoved in his suitcase and kept all the toiletries he would need close together so he would be ready to go early Wednesday morning.

Castiel wasn’t ready for Tuesday. He didn’t actually have anything to do except wait for Wednesday.

He woke Tuesday morning in his quiet apartment and just laid in his bed for an hour staring up at the ceiling.

Two days.

In an ideal world he would be celebrating his first year of marriage in two days. In an ideal world he would have woken up with Dean right next to him, arms tucked under the pillow and drool on this chin. In an ideal world, they would spend the morning with Dean laughing at Cas’s horrible cooking and doing his best to save the pancakes and bacon. Cas would sulk and then go on to make the coffee, the one task he could be trusted with.

They would laze around the apartment in their pajamas, Dean pretending to care about the nature and history documentaries Cas loved while Cas rolled his eyes at Dean’s favorite medical drama. And they would spend the evening bickering over last minute travel needs, wake in the morning to “Cas, where in the hell is my toothbrush?” and “No, you had the passports last.”

Cas made breakfast alone, burning the pancakes and getting too many coffee grounds in his mug.

He migrated to the couch where he lied down and, determined not to waste his last day at home wallowing about Dean and what should have been, turned the TV to some silly show about hoarding.

But Cas didn’t pay it any attention.

A knock at the door jolted Cas from the depressing stupor he was sinking into. He blinked a few times and groggily went to answer the door.

_Not again._

Dean smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m sober this time.”

“What are you doing here, Dean?” Cas asked, perhaps a little more irritation than he had intended slipping through his tone.

“You busy right now?”

“Yes. I’m watching a fascinating documentary.”

Dean looked over his shoulder. “Sudden interest in hoarding?”

“It’s a serious mental illness,” Cas defended weakly.

“Right. Look, Cas, I know you’re mad at me and you said all that stuff about us not being meant for each other and I understand and you have no reason to ever listen to me or anything I ask, but I need you to come with me.”

Cas looked around as if expecting to see someone else Dean must be speaking to. “What? Why?”

Dean’s eyes were wide and earnest. “I need to show you something.”

Cas took a step back, thrown by the look of desperation in Dean’s eyes. “Dean, I don’t think-”

“Please, Cas,” Dean begged, stepping forward to take Cas’s hand. The contact felt like a bolt of lighting shooting throughout Cas’s entire body. “Forty minutes. That’s all it will take. I swear. I just need to show you this before you leave.”

Cas stared at Dean, clearly skeptical. But Dean looked so earnest and desperate, he couldn’t keep the word of permission from slipping past his lips.

“Okay.”

The hint of a smile brightened Dean’s eyes. “Thank you.”

Cas grabbed his keys and a jacket and followed Dean down to his car.

Baby looked far too good for the hybrids surrounding her and you could practically see her nose stuck up in the air as the glow of the sun hit her fender.

Cas slid inside and felt a warm pressure envelope him as he sunk into the comfortable seat, took in the familiar scent of leather, a little motor oil and a lot of Dean.

Dean started her up and Cas closed his eyes as powerful vibrations roared through the vehicle and her engine sang songs of long drives in the summer heat with the windows down and Zeppelin screaming from the speakers, barely drowning out the sound of Dean’s bad singing.

Cas smiled.

“What?” Dean asked.

Cas didn’t lie. “I missed this.”

There was a pause.

“Me too.”

They began moving.

Cas wasn’t sure where they were going and he found himself to tired to try or ask. He rested his head against the window and listened to Dean drive.

“…ass.”

Cas felt a gentle touch on his arm and stirred. His head felt heavy and it was a great physical feat to turn it. Dean made out the blurry lines of a smile on Dean’s face.

“Did you call me an ass?”

Dean chuckled. “No. I said ‘Cas.’ You passed out on me.”

Cas sat up in the seat. Dean laughed again when Cas leaned into the light and Cas frowned at him. “You got a bit of drool…” He gestured around Cas’s chin.

Horrified, Cas wiped at his mouth and Dean just laughed more. Cas shot him a glare but the light in Dean’s eyes and seeing his laugh lines made him smile instead. “Shut up.”

Dean’s smile lingered for a few more seconds before he turned his head to look out his window. “We’re here.”

Cas followed Dean’s gaze to a two-story brick house with a curving stone walkway up to a wooden porch laced over in ivy. There were shrubs outlining the property and a bay window to the right of the front door. On the left Cas spotted a short driveway that led to a two-car garage.

It was lovely.

“Whose house is this?”

“Ours. Well, almost ours.”

Cas’s eyes snapped to Dean but the man was still staring at the house.

“I was going to buy it. Part graduation present, part wedding present to ourselves. I was going to give you the key the night you graduated. I was so close, Cas. I was just about to close the deal.”

Cas could see the anger stiffening Dean’s shoulders, but Dean’s words had numbed him to the point where he couldn’t reach out to help. His breathing felt shallow and all he could do was stare at the house while Dean’s words “almost ours” echoed in his head.

“What happened?” he managed to ask.

“You know how I never talk about my dad?” Cas nodded but Dean didn’t turn to see it. There’s a good reason. He’s not a good person, Cas. Ever since Mom died. He just hasn’t been right. But every once in a while he likes to come around and pretend to be a good dad again.” Dean took a breath. “He came to see me for my birthday. A week late.” A huff of bitter laughter shook from Dean. “He popped up at Bobby’s first, chatted for a bit, tried to act like everything was normal. We ended up going to Ellen’s that night, Cas, you remember? We were there with Sam and Jess. Dad was there too. He saw us together.”

Dean took another deep breath, holding this one for a few heartbeats. “He came to Bobby’s again the next day and he went ballistic. Said I was disgusting for loving a man. He said… God, Cas, he used words I didn’t even think he knew. He was screaming and throwing my tools around. And then he said… He said that if-if my mom were here… she would hate me.”

Cas’s heart was breaking and he didn’t know what to do. His instinct was to reach out to Dean but he knew the man wasn’t ready to accept comfort yet. He still couldn’t even look at Cas.

“That hurt more than… more than anything I had ever felt. To think that my mom would hate me for loving you. And when I got home that night – god, Cas – I couldn’t even look at you, I felt so disgusted with myself.”

Memories were spiraling together in Cas’s head, forming a vague recollection of a night when Dean came home with a little more dirt than usual on his face and something that looked too much like blood. And when Cas tried to find out what had happened, Dean had pushed him away, wordlessly disappearing into the bathroom. Dean went to bed without dinner or saying one word to Cas.

After that night, Dean hadn’t slept in their bed for a week.

Dean finally turned to face Cas. “I was so furious with my dad, but I took it out on you. But you never said a word, never got mad at me and that just made me hate myself because I could see how much pain I was putting you through and you still said nothing. I didn’t get it. I couldn’t understand how someone as amazing as you wanted me, deserved someone like me. Then I realized that you didn’t. You deserved so much better. You still do.”

Cas blinked wordlessly at Dean who looked close to tears.

“So you…” Cas tried to collect his thoughts but there was a lot of new information swimming around in his head and they kept slipping through his fingers. “You thought that by leaving… you were doing me a favor?”

Dean shrugged one shoulder. “I don’t know, Cas. Kinda. I just wanted you to be happy. And you weren’t gonna get that with me.”

“But I was happy!” The shout ripped from Cas’s mouth before he could squash it.

Dean’s eyes widened, the light of the setting sun reflecting in them like pools of fire.

“Dean, the five years we spent together were the happiest years of my life. I- There isn’t- I can’t think of a single other time in my life when I felt as loved and blissful as when I was with you. You made me happier than anyone else in the world could ever dream to. Could you not see that?”

Dean ducked his head. “But I couldn’t even stand up to my dad for you. You deserve more than that.”

Cas touched Dean’s chin, gently forcing Dean to look at him. “I don’t care what your father thinks of me or you. He wasn’t a part of this relationship. I don’t need you to defend our relationship to other people as long as I love you and you love me. That’s all that matters.”

Dean was trembling under Cas’s touch. The tears he was holding back broke free and made the fire in his eyes brighten. “Guess I was being a dumbass again.”

“I prefer the term ‘insecure.’ Less dumb, less ass.”

Dean leaned out of Cas’s touch with a shaky smile. He wiped at his face and looked out the windshield. “So what now?”

Cas leaned back against the seat. Yes, what now? He’d waited a year to find out just what had provoked Dean to leave him and now that he knew he had no idea where it left them.

“Well,” he said, “I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking takeout, a few beers and a movie?”

Dean glanced at him with a nervous smirk. “You asking me on a date, Cas?”

“My treat.”

*****

Dean felt awkward entering Cas’s apartment. This time, neither of them were drunk or needed the other to take care of them. Dean was here because Cas wanted him to be. That made him nervous.

Cas must have noticed the way Dean was shuffling because he tossed a soft grin over his shoulder and tried to lighten the mood with, “Make yourself at home.”

A knot in Dean’s stomach twisted and must have shown on his face because Cas grimaced. “Too soon?”

Dean just tried to laugh it off. “It’s just a little weird.”

Cas’s head bobbed in a subtle nod of agreement. “Yeah. Well, maybe food will help. What are you feeling? Pizza? Chinese? Greek?”

“You know I never say no to pizza.”

“Mushroom and sausage from Andy’s?”

“Don’t forget the breadsticks.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Cas smiled and pulled the phone up to his ear.

Dean wandered toward the entertainment center as Cas placed their order. He smiled at the bee figurines and Cas’s geeky movie collection. Cas kept an impressive collection of religious items on the shelves, everything from a wooden cross to a small statue of Buddha. Cas had bought most of them himself, the rest had been gifts from Dean over the years.

Dean’s favorite was a little black velvet bag. Inside it was a piece of mandrake root. Dean had read somewhere that mandrake root was a pagan sign of fertility. He still remembered the day he had given it to Cas, remembered the way Cas’s eyes almost popped out of his head and the deep blush that had reddened his cheeks. And he would never forget that night, when Cas had left scratch marks all up and down his back and nearly painted his entire neck purple in hickeys.

Dean lost his smile when he moved on to the next item, a picture frame that Dean dimly remembered dropping and Cas yelling at him. This was perhaps his favorite picture of the two of them, taken the night after Dean had proposed. Jess had caught them mid-dance. At the time he had grouched about her ruining their moment, but afterward he thanked her for capturing their relationship in its rawest form: complete adoration of each other, like Dean powered the sun and Cas hung the moon.

“That one’s my favorite.”

Cas’s voice startled Dean and he turned feeling his cheeks heat. “Mine too,” he said, accepting the beer Cas offered. He cleared his throat. “I, ugh, I’m surprised you kept it.”

Cas tilted his head with a sad smile. “I almost didn’t. I was going to burn it.” Dean cringed. “But I couldn’t. I figured just because you wanted to be an ass didn’t mean I had to destroy everything from the happiest time of my life.”

“To be honest, I was surprised that you didn’t burn all of my things. I kept expecting to gets boxes of ashes.”

Cas scoffed and headed to the couch. “I considered that too. But I was raised with manners.” Cas sat and took a long drink. “I did break your favorite mug.”

Dean grinned as he went to join Cas on the couch, setting his beer on the coffee table. “That becoming a new hobby of yours?”

Cas blushed and bowed his head. “Sorry about that. Throwing the mug at your head, I mean. That was rude.”

“It was long overdue.”

There was a bout of silence where Cas gazed down at his beer and Dean fiddled his thumbs. Him and Cas had never been ones for awkward silences. Dean was a talker and Cas was a great listener, always knew when to ask a question to further the story. By their third date, Cas had known Dean’s entire life story while all Dean knew about Cas was that he was studying religion. And even when they did fall into moments of silence, they communicated with the eyes, a quick glance at the lips to say I want you, a deep gaze into the eyes to say I love you.

It was never awkward with Cas.

“Where…”

Dean perked up at the sound of Cas’s voice. Cas was still staring into his beer, but his hold had tightened. “What?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Cas, you can ask me anything. I owe you that.”

Cas was slow to meet Dean’s eyes. “Where did you go?When you first left? No one could find you for weeks.”

“I spent a few days in a motel outside of town. Then I just packed up and started driving. Wound up in Washington by the time I had to call Sam.”

“What happened?”

“Got arrested.”

Cas’s eyebrows drew together. “For what?”

“Public intoxication.”

Cas’s eyes immediately went to Dean’s untouched beer. “Oh, shit! I forgot!” He jumped to his feet and grabbed the bottle. “I’m so sorry, Dean.”

“It’s okay,” Dean said as the other man hustled into the kitchen.

“I don’t really have anything else except for water and coffee. I can call Andy’s back and have them add a two-liter to the order.”

“Water is fine, Cas.”

Cas still looked flustered even when he returned with two glasses of water. Dean huffed a laugh. “You know, you can still drink.”

Cas waved a dismissive hand. “No, no, it’s fine. I really shouldn’t with the flight tomorrow and everything.”

Dean took a drink of his water and settled back against the couch. “Right. How you feeling?”

“Fine. Nervous. I’ve never been to India. But it looks so beautiful. And I’m excited about my research.”

“I’m sure you’ll have a blast.”

“You really researched Jain temples for me?”

Dean smiled at Cas’s suspicious expression. “Of course. I wasn’t going to spend our entire first anniversary not knowing what you were talking about.”

Cas smiled warmly. “I can’t believe you saw that on my computer. I thought I was being sneaky.”

“Cas, seriously, you’re the least sneaky person I know.”

“I can be sneaky,” Cas grumbled.

Dean gave him a deadpan look of disappointment. “I found your sex toys my first night at your place.”

Cas coughed into his water, eyes bulging as he opened his mouth and struggled to decide on what to say. “Y-you shouldn’t have been snooping through my bathroom drawers!”

Dean scoffed. “You sent me to look for band aids! And who hides sex toys in their bathroom anyway?”

Cas laughed and shook his head. “It was a bad hiding place,” he finally admitted.

“It turned out for the best anyway.”

Cas’s face and neck turned red as he remembered that night as Dean was. 

Cas licked his lips and looked for a distraction. “Um, I guess we should choose something to watch. Any requests?”

“Do you even own anything that isn’t produced by Nat Geo or the History Channel?” Dean teased as Cas stood and went to the collection of DVDs.

“Of course I do. I have… Umm…” Cas perused the shelf and began to feel smaller and smaller as nature and religion documentaries caught his eye. Dean was laughing on the couch and Cas shot him a dirty look. “Oh, shut up. I know I have to have someth- Oh!” Cas pulled a case from the shelf and turned around with a cocky grin.

Dean laughed harder. “‘The Hobbit?’ Really?”

“You have a problem with Bilbo?”

“Nope. Of course now. I love Dildo Baggins.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Oh, how clever. Really original, Dean.”

“Just put the movie in, smartass.”

The pizza arrived about twenty minutes into the film. They put the box and bag of breadsticks on the coffee table and they slowly vanished over the next hour.

Dean wasn’t sure what time he began to doze off but when he opened his eyes the end credits were rolling. He sat up and saw that Cas had also passed out.

“Cas,” Dean whispered, nudging his arm. “Cas, wake up. The movie is over.”

Cas stirred, his eyes opening slowly, confusion clouding them for a moment. He sat up and yawned. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“It’s okay. I fell asleep too.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost eleven,” Dean said, getting up and carrying the empty pizza box to the kitchen.

Cas followed him with the breadsticks bag and their glasses. He washed them and put them away and Dean watched from the other side of the kitchen with a knotting stomach because he knew what needed to come next.

“I’m, ugh, I’m gonna head out.”

Cas turned. “What?”

Dean gestured toward the door. “I’m gonna go. Um, have a safe flight and, ugh, have a great time in India, okay?” And because he just couldn’t leave otherwise, he stepped forward and pressed a kiss to Cas’s forehead. “Bye, angel.”

“Wait, Dean.” Cas grabbed his wrist before Dean could move. He looked into blue eyes that looked at uncertain as he felt. Then Cas said, “It’s late. You should stay here. You can sleep on the couch or you can… you can sleep with me.”

And though everything in Dean’s body wanted to leap to the bed, the wariness in the back of mind glued him in place. He looked over Cas’s shoulder toward the bedroom, like a ghost lurking at the end of the hall, and he swallowed. “I don’t know if that’s for the best, Cas.”

Cas’s hand tightened around his, drawing his attention again. This time, there was no uncertainty in his eyes, just a simple request. “Please,” he said, voice as soft as Dean had ever heard it and he was powerless against it, couldn’t deny Cas a thing when asked in a voice as vulnerable as that. 

So he squeezed Cas’s hand back and they turned out the living room lights.


	12. Chapter 12

For the first time in a year, Cas slid into his bed and was not greeted with cold sheets. Dean’s body heat radiated from his side, warming the sacred space beneath the comforter. He always had run hot.

Cas settled on his side, facing Dean, and for several minutes they did nothing but stare.

He couldn’t say he knew what he was thinking when he asked Dean to stay, just knew it would have done unspeakable things to him to watch Dean walk out that door again.

“Is this weird?” Dean asked suddenly.

“Yes,” Cas didn’t bother denying.

Dean fidgeted for a moment. “Should I go?”

Cas reached out to take Dean’s hand in his. Dean’s hands were always rougher than Cas’s, dry and riddled with callouses. But now they were a little softer, evidence of his lack of work lately. Cas rubbed circles into Dean’s palm with his thumb. “No,” he finally said, his voice sure. “I want you here.”

It began with a kiss, just the light touch of lips that bloomed into the slow roll of tongues and gentle nips as their bodies closed the space between them on the king-size bed. Clothes were lost, bodies as bare as the emotions they were trying to express without words.

Something fired up in Dean when he saw Cas naked on the bed they used to share. He pinned Cas to the mattress with his body, hands interlocked over their heads.

“What are you doing?” Cas whispered when Dean didn’t move.

“Looking at you.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “I know. Why?”

“Because you’re beautiful.”

Dean could see Cas’s face blushing even in the dark. He turned his head away, directing his embarrassed gaze toward a painting on the wall. The gesture made Dean smile.

He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Cas’s jaw. Cas didn’t move so he continued, letting his lips tremble gently up to Cas’s ear, licking the thin skin just behind it, then down the curve of his jaw and he felt Cas relaxing under him

Dean reached the base of Cas’s neck, right where it met his shoulders and he bit. The moan it stirred from Cas was deep and long and brought his head back around. Dean smirked into his skin and continued his journey down Cas’s body with his mouth, every now and then nudging his knee up between Cas’s legs to draw a broken gasp from the man.

When Dean’s lips closed over the tip of Cas’s cock, the man bucked so violently he almost kneed Dean in the gut.

“That’s what I’m talking about, baby,” Dean murmured and felt Cas shiver. “Do it again.”

Dean took Cas in his mouth and Cas’s hips lifted. Dean hummed around him and earned a sharp gasp. He kept his grip tight on Cas’s thighs, putting all his body weight on the hold as he took more of Cas down until his throat was burning. Dean pulled off with a sloppy pop and a grin. Cas was shaking, his hands fisted in the sheets.

Dean kissed the tip again and then licked, slipped his tongue through the slit then ran it down, down, down, down—

“Oh, f-f-fuck!” Cas cried with a small jump.

It had been a year but it was clear Dean hadn’t forgotten a single detail about Cas’s body. And when Cas got the chance, he explored Dean with the same level of familiarity and reverence. They took their time, thoughts of tomorrow pushed far away to make room for now, whatever this moment would become in the complicated love story of Dean and Cas. They didn’t think about it, didn’t allow themselves. 

Cas was breathless when Dean entered him, bodies finally connected in the most intimate way they knew. Cas had almost forgotten this feeling of being so full, not just the physical pressure, but the emotional satisfaction as well of feeling Dean move inside him, the wild beating of his heart as their chests press together, and soaking in every little noise of pleasure Dean makes. Cas lies there in what can only be called wonder.

It’s a beautiful expanse of time as their bodies arch into one another, racing toward the same precipice. And when it comes time to fall, it’s with their hands interlocked, Dean’s lips in Cas’s hair, and Cas biting into his shoulder.

They fell against each other, breath returning slowly even as their eyelids started to droop. They eased into their usual positions, still tightly intertwined to the point it was almost painful. But the alternative was to let go and that was just unimaginable.

The morning was, of course, not as effortless.

Cas’s alarm went off and it took every ounce of strength he had to remove himself from Dean. Somehow he did it and was able to go through the motions of his routine, showering with the few toiletries he hadn’t packed and dressing in the clothes he’d laid out for a day of travelling.

When he returned to the room Dean was up. He learned against the headboard, one hand on Cas’s pillow. He looked up at Cas who froze in the doorway, water still dripping down the side of his head, took in Cas in his clothes, the suitcase by the door. He didn’t say anything and Cas wasn’t sure what words could suit the situation. But Dean gave a nod, as if to accept it, and Cas continued to get this things together.

It was decided without words that Dean would drive Cas to the airport. It was as silent in the car as it was in the apartment, like both of them were afraid to break something.

Dean helped Cas with his things into the airport, waited patiently at every stop until, finally, they reached the security line. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Cas finally blurted.

It drew a smile from Dean, small but still there. “Yeah, I, uh, can’t stay I’m much better.” The silence grew again and they both looked away from each other. Then Dean, said, “Cas?”

“Hmm?”

“What happens now?”

Cas couldn’t help but think about the night before, full of such wonderful moments that now sat like cold stones in his stomach. Maybe it had been a mistake, an impulsive decision made in a moment of vulnerability that offered them no direction or clarity. 

“I honestly don’t know.”

Dean nodded his head, still looking at his shoes but Cas make see the way his brows are furrowed together. There’s something on the tip of his tongue, and Cas braces himself for it.

“Look, I don’t regret it.”

Cas’s head flew up, taken off guard.

“Last night,” Dean clarified, finally meeting Cas’s eye. “I don’t know what it means for us, if there can even be an us again. I know I-” Dean cleared his throat on bitter laughter, a self-deprecating shake. “I know I broke this and I still owe you a lot of explanations. And you don’t owe me a damn thing after everything I did, Cas, but I—I’ll be here. If you ever… just… yeah.”

Cas didn’t know how to respond, barely recognized when his vision began to blur until Dean reached up and swiped his thumb beneath his eyes.

“God, I’m such a dick—I didn’t mean—God, Cas, I can’t do anything right. I’ll just—I’m sorry—look, I’ll go so you don’t-”

The moment he heard the word go, Cas was clinging, his arms around Dean’s waist, bounding him to his body as tightly as he could. It was the first thing that had felt right since they woke up. 

“I don’t know what to do either,” he whispers into Dean’s shoulder. “I don’t know what happens next. But I don’t want you to go.”

He feels Dean’s arms settled around his waist, a comforting anchor. “I’m not going anywhere.” He turns his face into Cas’s. “Maybe we don’t need to know now. We can talk when you get back.”

“Are you sure?”

Dean’s chest shakes again with short laughter. “Yeah, Cas. You waited a year to talk. Pretty sure I can make it a few months.”

A loud voice yelled over the intercom, reminding them of where they stood wrapped up in each other. Cas pulled back first, grimacing at the seat of people moving around them.

“God, it’s like we’re in a rom-com,” Dean grumbled.

“Don’t act like those aren’t your favorite,” Cas said.

Dean hissed, hand over his wounded pride. “You swore to secrecy.” 

It was great to see him smile again. Cas stared as long as he could, dedicating it to memory. Dean pulled him again for a quick hug, kissing his head. “Have a safe flight. I’ll see you when you get back.” 

Cas smiled, small and far too happy for the most commonly said words at an airport, but that somehow meant everything to him. He had a path now, a direction. And it led to Dean.

“I can’t wait.”


	13. Epilogue

Dean fought his way through the arrivals gate in late July. His phone kept buzzing and he couldn’t help looking every time, waiting for a response from Cas, but instead it was just a Charlie and Dorothy sending pictures of their baby back and forth in a groupchat he was getting ready to remove himself from. 

Cas had emailed him his flight information weeks ago but Dean was worried with all the time changes and delays he may have missed something. Cas hadn’t responded to the message he’d sent twenty minutes ago either.

As per usual, the panic began to set in and Dean watched every person who ascended the escalators with a rapidly beating heart. 

And then it happened.

A mop of unruly dark hair appeared in the distance and Dean just smiled, watching it get closer and closer until he can make out the tanned skin and the wide lips and the bright eyes. 

Cas stood right in front of him, just a few polite feet away and Dean’s entire body hummed with the effort it took to stay still and keep his hands to himself.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said, and his voice seemed rougher than Dean remembered. Or maybe he was just that pathetic.

It made him smile harder nonetheless. “Hey, Cas.”

Neither moved, electing to keep staring while more passengers found their families around them. 

“You’re here,” Cas said suddenly, like a shocking observation.

Dean shrugged. “Well, I said I would be.”

Cas moved closer, one slow step at a time, eyes never leaving Dean’s for a second. His hand reached out, rising to cup Dean’s jaw and he just seemed to stare deeper into Dean’s eyes, finding something he never thought he’d see again. “You’re here,” he said again.

Dean swallowed this time. “Yeah, Cas. I’ll always be here.”

When Cas’s lips touched his, it was soft, barely a brush, but wholly earth-shattering. Dean found his hands grabbing onto Cas’s waist and pulling him the rest of the way in. 

“Are you sure this is—” he tried.

“I’m sure,” Cas said against his lips. “Trust me. I’m sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Come visit me on Tumblr [@caslikescoffeeandfreckles](https://caslikescoffeeandfreckles.tumblr.com/).
> 
> And please go visit the wonderful artist of this fic and many others [@dmsilvisart](https://dmsilvisart.tumblr.com/)!


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